The visit

It’s about to get weird up in here.

Thursday night my father visited me in a dream. Oddly enough, I have been waiting for this to happen since he died, and have been slightly (irrationally) annoyed that he hadn’t done it yet like my grandfather did the night he died (You can read about that here).

As we know, there were some “issues” between us when my dad died that caused me to sadness, anger, and confusion because our relationship had actually been great the past few years. I even answered the phone when he called every week or so and didn’t let it go to voicemail and then Facebook message him later on as I have been known to do…..

His refusal to let me visit when he was dying has run through my mind on a fairly regular basis. However, only over the past several weeks have I been able to lose the anger, and even the sadness, about it and realize those couple weeks are irrelevant to the past several YEARS.

Thursday night we stood talking in front of a fireplace (in a house/apt I’ve never been in or seen before) and he said something (I can’t remember what), causing me to say, “Dad, you know you died months ago, right?” He paused, thinking for a minute, and said, “Well, I guess that makes sense.” Then I told him what happened between us at the end and he genuinely appeared to remember any of it and seemed disappointed in himself, saying something to the effect of, ‘wow… I wonder why I would do that?’

Those last couple weeks, he was confused and disoriented most of the time, often unable to answer simple questions or recognize people he knew. So it would make sense if he didn’t remember events that took place during that period of time.

The rest of our visit was just. so. normal. We chatted like always and he was just my Dad.

The only thing nagging at me is when I said, “So… Do you like this new place?” he said, “Not particularly.” He did move right before he went into the hospital, and he wasn’t happy about it, so I hope that’s where my brain got that footage.

Yes, my brain. Because while I felt the realness of him there and the difference between that experience and my other nightly dreams. I also realize our minds are incredibly powerful and my dream could have been ‘just a dream.’

Frankly, It doesn’t matter which it was.

App Battle: Lose it! vs myfitnesspal

screenshot_20180603-103349_lose it!7785084655072124771..jpgI’ve been using the “Lose it!” app for 6 days and as of this morning, I am back to myfitnesspal*. The Lose It (LI) app is SO CUTE! I LOVE the interface and it seems a little easier to add foods because there aren’t so many choices like in myfitnesspal (MFP) (For example, when you type ‘chicken thighs’ into MFP, you get about 456,402 options with calories ranging from 7 to 7294 :::a SMALL exaggeration:::).  BUT….

  • I got VERY sick of the ‘This is a premium feature so you should give us money if you want to do that!’ messages. For things even like adding food to the following day– which they call “Meal Planning,” which is a “premium feature.”
  • Lose it! claimed to sync with Google fitness (or whatever its called–should just be ‘big brother is watching everything you do’), but it didn’t.
  • Because I’ve used MFP for so many years, it knows me. Which is an unfair advantage, but still an advantage because all my favorite foods and exercises are already there.
  • I miss my friends!!  I do well with knowing others can see what I am doing and also just seeing that people I know are using the app too keeps me motivated.  Basically, everyone has tried myfitnesspal at some point, so even when their accounts are currently not in use, it still shows a buncha peeps on my list that could be watscreenshot_20180603-111049_chrome7952289790348164968.jpgching. And I like that.

Nutshell:

myfitnesspal wins because you get way more for way less aka FREE!

*Note: myfitnesspal is lowercase intentionally (see photo 😉  )

 

IT’S NOT A DIET IT’S A LIFESTYLE

screenshot_20180529-151652_messenger4951759752510488222.jpg
Lonnie woke up VERY fired up about this “LIFESTYLE CHANGE,” blowing up my phone before I even made it to the Kuerig  

My shower curtain was VERY handsy this morning.  And let’s just say I appreciate the gesture after recently discovering I’ve gained FIFTEEN POUNDS since March. What the actual fuck? I’m not stupid; I know my clothes are tighter and that I have been eating a lot of shitty food and exercising less, but DAYUM! I was in some DEEEEEE-NIAL about how off-the-rails I’ve been. I have a multitude of excuses but gather ’em all up in a jar along with a nickel and you still won’t be able to buy……. um…. a thing that costs more than a nickel….?

BACK ON THE RAILS!

Lonnie and I are BACK ON IT! He has forbidden the use of the word “diet,”  preferring the in-my-opinion-much-overused-these-days, “lifestyle change.” But let’s be real. If it walks like a diet, and quacks like a diet, it’s a fucking diet.

So I’ve got the Lose It app loaded. (Felt like a fresh start –so trying this instead of Myfitnesspal)

We’ve got the fridge STOCKED with healthy food.

LET’S DO THIS THING (Forever… you know… because it’s a LIFESTYLE CHANGE AND NOT A DIET!

20180529_1512597768398006730292615.jpg

But WAIT!

I spend a lot of time time staring at tables and desks.

My job title of “Crisis Worker” is 70% misleading. It sounds so exciting, right!? CRISIS!!! HELP!! FIX ALL THE THINGS!!! And sometimes, it’s exactly that. I’ve helped dumpster dive. I’ve talked people off bridges. I’ve done things I didn’t even imagine WERE THINGS before taking this job (that unfortunately I can’t blog about— gosh darn confidentiality!)
But mostly…. I wait. I wait for phone calls. I wait for medical clearance. I wait for more phone calls. And then I wait for more phone calls. Today I have spent (so far), about 6 hours (in a windowless room the size of a closet) just waiting for phone calls.
What do I do with all my wait time? Well today I….
-ripped everything off the bulletin board, retyped it all, and made it look nicer
-learned you can buy sunscreen with FSA/HSA money and ordered our whole summer’s supply from fsastore.com (and contact lens solution for the rest of the year)
-Figured out how to order touchup paint that will be an exact match for my car (which I learned today is the color, “Tuxedo Black”)
-Went to the store and grabbed some snacks
-Answered my mom’s e-mail
-looked at vacation cottages in Maine for a friend
-looked at jobs for Sean
-thought about looking at jobs for me (lol –not really)
-organized my wallet- found 2 hidden dollars
-drank at least a gallon of water
-reorganized this room (again)
-wrote this blog when I ran out of ideas of other things to do.

OH! MY PHONE CALL HAS COME!!

Just because it’s called “minor” surgery…

screenshot_20180522-160806_instagram2486661460579464927.jpg“My wife was working in the garden by that afternoon!”
“Oh, when I had it done, I worked the next day and I was fine.”
“Don’t worry… it’s a breeze!”
::::insert Morgan Freeman voice here::::
It was not a breeze.
Maybe because I’ve never had surgery before? Maybe because the fates aligned and gave me a cold AND a stomach flu* aka ‘pissing out my asshole’ the day after the surgery? Maybe because I am a giant fucking baby?
Writing this… I am wondering if maybe the fates (aka Universe aka God aka The Spirit aka Mother Earth aka aka aka aka…..) DID align and gave me that cold and stomach flu to slow me the hell down and teach me to check myself before I wreck myself!!?  I LITERALLY asked the doctor BEFORE I WAS EVEN FULLY OUT OF ANESTHESIA when I could go jogging. (Ok, keepin’ it real… I TRIED to ask that, made no sense, and Lonnie had to interpret my nonsense to the doctor).
I am SO DAMN FOCUSED ON BEING STRONG AND TOUGH, and on people thinking I am. It’s really stupid. It’s something I need to learn to let go of. Done. It’s gone. Hi. I’m Colleen and there is no such thing as a “strong person” or a “weak person.” There are only different reactions made by different people to different situations. And MY reaction to having a tubal ligation/cauterization…
  • I was nervous and scared beforehand than I expected.
  • I had no idea my throat would hurt so much from the intubation (but it turned out I also had a cold/flu thing so maybe that isn’t always quite so rough).
  • My lower stomach area was painful for 2 days and then just “weird” feeling– almost felt like something was in there that shouldn’t have been, and was considering pulling an “Alien”– for about a week after and still feels slightly uncomfortable today– a week later, because when I sit, all my pants dig into the very spot where they went in with the …tools?
  • I still haven’t jogged or exercised in any way AND THAT’S OK!  (Planning on it for tomorrow though. I think I’m ready!)
I write this because I hope someone like me reads this post and doesn’t feel like a “failure” like I did when I wasn’t out jogging 2 days post-op and when I couldn’t work last Friday (3 days post-op) like I had planned. When I finally realized the most important thing I needed to do was CHILL THE FUCK OUT and give myself the time to relax and recover, my whole mindset changed and I was able to kind of even ENJOY my time off work, exercise, and cleaning!
*We know it was a flu/virus and not a reaction to surgery because it’s now in the capable hands of the Mr. of the house 😉  And also because my doctor and google said so.

 

Who invited fruit?

I ate a blackberry today.

Under duress.

I made the mistake of telling Sean (my 16yo) my goal to try learning to like fruit this year (assuming he wasn’t paying attention and I was just talking to hear myself speak – as per usual). Apparently one of his callings is aggressively pushing others into achieving their goals. Sean J: life coach whether you like it or not.

The FLAVOR of the little ball of tiny balls was actually quite yummy. The TEXTURE, however, is not something I think I can get used to. The bursting in your mouth thing… The crunchy, tiny, earthy seeds amidst the juicy slime…. Um, no? I can’t say it’s a hard pass, but I definitely didn’t ask for another.

Not that he was offering.

Turns out, I DO HAVE HOBBIES!!

As Lonnie watches a Youtube video to learn how to carve bowls from wood……

I’ll post of photos of our weekend!  We cooked!  We Cinco de Mayo’d! We breakfasted and Lowes’ed. And I planted a little succulent garden instead of just pinning pictures of them all day on Pinterest! I also dug my DSLR out of the closet and put my fun 50mm 1.4 lens on to play with and make things a little more challenging. Blogging really is cheaper than therapy!

IMGP0669

IMG_20180506_130616_464.jpgIMGP0671IMGP0654IMGP0659IMGP0660

imgp0652.jpg