The other night I posted about not using food to manage emotions and how I was struggling to not do so. I didn’t succumb that night, but yesterday, I did. The difference these days, is I don’t just mindlessly swing into the McD’s drive through and order whatever I want and scarf it down. And then drive back through for a McFlurry. (Yes, that has happened a few times back in the day.) Now I put thought into it and announce to myself, “I am going to go off my plan right now because I want a snack and I want a snack that is yummy because I am stressed, exhausted & annoyed. I chose a little bag of combos and a little bag of peanut m&ms because I wanted to sit and eat them one-by-one and just escape for a little while. Now I KNOW this is “wrong.” Food is not an escape and I need to work on finding other ways to have ‘little escapes.’ But I also can’t help but notice that EVERYONE seems to do this. I spend many of my days in hospitals and college campuses watching people (ok that sounds creepy, but whatever). Even the skinniest, healthiest people use treats to manage stress. On the crazy days in the emergency department, a giant bag of candy ALWAYS suddenly appears in the nurse’s station. Practically everyone in the surgery and ED waiting rooms is munching on something!
If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?
Does this blog seem like incoherent rambling? Yes. Like making a big excuse for my behavior yesterday? No. I actually don’t even feel bad about yesterday which is part of what I am learning to do. Food regret and guilt leads us to saying things like, “Well fuck it, I messed this whole week up now, I may as well just start back at healthy tomorrow….. or Monday…. or next month.” And I don’t do that anymore. There is no “one last meal,” no, “I’ll start back up tomorrow;” there is just LIFE.
My guru Corinne Crabtree says that all the time. Today I’m living it. I had a SHITSHOW of a day and spent a good part of it daydreaming about unwinding once I got home with some yummy treats. That’s not a thing. Ice cream, candy, Cheez Its…. none of those things cancel out a shitty day. In fact, if anything, they would only add to the stress of the day because I know I didn’t plan for them and I know I am eating them for an emotional reason and not hunger and that is not the person I am learning to be.
So here I am snuggled up under a blanket on the couch watching TV. I just finished my planned dinner. I’m thinking about a nice hot cup of tea. I’m not falling face first into a bag of Sour Patch Kids, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still think about it all the time. I think that is one of the most helpful things I’ve learned over the past few months. It’s natural to think about things. I’m not weird or broken because I have thoughts about wanting a cookie when I see them in their frosted glory on the Valentine’s display at the grocery store. I’m not a freak when I walk past a bakery and smell the bread and want some bread. I’m not damaged because I think about wanting some candy when all the nurses are gathered around the nurse’s station chowing down on a giant bag of assorted chocolates! I can allow the thoughts to come and recognize them and then dismiss them and move on.
Speaking of moving on…. Shit I just remembered I have homework! LOL
One of the things I practice these days is what Phit n’ Phat calls, “staying within the 2’s.” See that chart over there? It’s a magical chart that tells you in .002 seconds if you are actually hungry or if you’re eating for another reason. It’s not as easy as it sounds and takes practice, practice, practice. And that’s fine… I’ve got LOTS of time since I’m pretty sure I’ll be eating for at least a few more years 😉
The “easy” part is waiting to eat when you are actually hungry. The challenge is stopping at +2 and tossing out or putting away the rest of the food. I’ve been at this for 6ish months and this is still what goes on in my brain when I am practicing…
“I am definitely hungry… I think. No, I def am. :::Makes a salad::: OMG my mouth is literally watering this looks so good- WAIT that’s one of the signs I’m supposed to look for! Ok 2 bites in; I should start watching for +2. There’s usually a ‘sigh.’ Was that a sigh or just a deep breath? Was that a sigh? Did I sigh because I am thinking about sighing or because I’m satisfied? Are sighs like yawns? Great now I’m yawning. Whelp- salad is gone. I don’t feel stuffed or full, but I’m not hungry anymore. WAIT– this is it! This is the +2! But would I have found it if I had made a bigger salad…… “
“Gross. I don’t come here to see big fat asses jiggling around,” pixie-of-a-girl said loudly to her friend at the gym, ensuring said fat-assed woman would hear.
“Oh my god, I wish I could wear a shirt like that. I would never feel comfortable with my arms out like that,” said to me when I posted a post-workout photo in my favorite fun tank top. (Note: I didn’t take this as her suggesting anything was wrong with MY arms, but I was sad she felt so badly about her own.)
“I want to walk, but I don’t want the whole neighborhood to see me out walking because I’m embarrassed.” said by so many. Too many. swap out ‘walk’ for ‘gym’ and there are umpteen more.
These posts make me so sad. And angry. This morning I was jogging down Route 1a (aka Main Street), thinking about these posts, and then crafting this blog in my head. A social-worker-at-heart; I want to help everyone. I want to find out what the pixie girl has gone through to make her behave so cruelly. I want to force every fat chick in the world to wear cute, funny tank tops until they don’t give their arms a second thought. I want to teach people who are embarrassed to exercise to NOT GIVE A FUCK about what other people are thinking!
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ASSHOLES!
Pixiegirl McFatshamer’s life brought to a place where she thinks it’s ok, and maybe even FUNNY, to be nasty. Her behavior has NOTHING to do with you. She has a black spot in her heart that needs healing. That’s HER issue; NOT yours. Think about it this way… You own a company. Fatchick McWorkout and Pixie McFatshamer are applying for jobs. Who do you hire? Fatchick McWorkout and Pixie McFatshamer are standing in the Karma or Heaven or whateveryoubelieve line: Who is getting promoted or heavened or whatever?
It is not lost on me as I jog down 1A that some of the people driving past me are having nasty thoughts, laughing at me with their friends, or making snarky comments. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. It is also not lost on me that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, one person will see my fat ass jiggling along and my eyes black-and-blue because my “good jog bra” was in the wash today, and think, “Wow…. if she can do it, maybe I can too!” And that makes me happy 🙂
A couple things my guru, Corinne Crabtree, preaches are coming into play hardcore this lately.
If you want to make a big LASTING change, you have to make several micro-changes to head you down that road.
Stop shoulding on yourself. (Say it out loud. It’s fun!) (Here’s a link to one of her podcasts focused on shoulding, but she talks about it a lot!)
I want to get up and exercise before work a couple days a week because of my busier schedule does not allow me time to get exercise in after work/school/internship. I put it on my schedule last week twice and it didn’t happen. Wednesday morning the air was delightfully cold and dry and my husband was delightfully warm and snuggly. Yesterday, I just plain didn’t want to get up- and I had a headache. In review, I see super-early-A.M. exercise doesn’t belong on my plan yet until I have practiced getting up at 5:30am. By putting it on my schedule, I am setting myself up for failure and telling myself I don’t have to follow my own schedule. I have spent my entire life quitting on myself and teaching myself how to quit on myself by setting myself up for failure and accepting failure as the truth of who I am. Someone who starts things. Lots of things. So many things. Sad. (<— hahaha @ me channeling my inner Trump).
Back to early morning exercise. I have already made several of the micro-changes needed to get me to this goal…
I don’t stay up late anymore
I get up pretty early now already (just not 5:30ish ) in comparison to 2 years ago me who sometimes slept until I had to work at noon. NOON!
I’ve made exercise part of daily life. I decided long ago on a daily minimum of 15 minutes. Literally everyone has 15 minutes to do SOMETHING- even if bedtime has rolled up on ya… you can do 15 minutes of bedtime yoga. 15 minutes may not seem like much, but 1. 90% of the time I go much longer and 2. 15 minutes is better than zero minutes. 3. Doing this has created a solid foundation for me to build on.
One thing I know Corinne would recommend is an accountability partner. I am fighting this one because, well, shit. I guess because I don’t want to really do it. Damnit. As I type this out, I guess I need to find one. BUT HERE ARE MY GREAT EXCUSES NOT TO….
I don’t like people. Especially new people. I’m in Corinne’s facebook group and because she did a recent talk on accountability partners, they are all posting asking for partners and stuff and I am like….EW. NO NEW PEOPLE! WHAT IF THEY ARE NEEDY AND WANT TO BE, LIKE…. FRIENDS!!??? GROSS! LOL
I don’t keep my phone in my room at night, so having someone that texts or calls me at 5:30 isn’t going to work.
I am barely responsible for my own shit, let alone someone else’s!
I have Lonnie. (However… you read above and saw how well that has worked out so far)
I just texted my bff Nicole. I think she does morning shit. Is that cheating? Should I be broadening my horizons with that whole ‘new people’ thing? Hmmmm…….
So this week’s plan: Get up at 5:30 every day. Not putting the early morning exercise on the plan this week, but if I feel like it, I’ll do it. But as long as I get up… I’m showing up for myself!
Bro, I was KILLING it before my vacation with diet and exercise. I was exercising at least 5 days a week and had lost 10ish pounds using MyFitnesspal. I had planned to keep on slaying the game while in Nashville. Hahahahaha, I love it when I am delusional! I DID exercise (once), and I did a LOT of walking, and a LOT of chores (since the whole point of the trip was to help my mom get some big stuff done around her house), but I also ate cupcakes, a giant bag of my beloved Trader Joes white cheddar corn puffs, ALL the saltines …and a whole lot more!
It’s SO HARD to get back “on it” when you fall off. After several “tomorrows,” Lonnie and I committed to Monday. <—no air quotes because it actually happened! It feels great to be back in control of myself. I need to remember this feeling next time I want to go off the rails. There is that stupid saying, “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels,” and while this is just the shittiest, judgemental, dumb phrase… there is a hint of truth hidden in there as none of the stuff I have OVEReaten since returning home from vacation (note the “since returning home— I regret NOTHING I did while I was away on vacation!! Not even stopping at Krispy Kreme en route to the waffle house, LOL) tasted as good as it feels to have control over my mind and body.
So HEY! If you want to be “ON IT” with me… hit me up on My Fitness Pal. My username is colleenj74…. (shit… I should probably change that “j” out… Can I even do that??). I even keep my food diary public on there for FULL TRANSPARENCY!! Fair warning: I eat a LOT of marshmallows that I roast over the stovetop 😉
P.S. You CAN change your username ONCE, so my name is now Colleend74!
Dr. Laura: How tall are you and what do you weigh? Glutton for punishment: 5′ 6″ 240 Dr. Laura: You are in a medical emergency. You need to see a doctor right away. And it needs to be a doctor whose expertise is people who are grossly overweight. You can’t do this on your own, you need to be under a doctor’s care. A doctor who specializes in people who are GROSSLY. OVER. WEIGHT. Glutton for punishment: Well I am in a fitness challenge right now where we all exercise and eat right and stuff like that.
Dr. Laura: You shouldn’t be doing that. I don’t like that. You are way too far gone to be doing it that way. You need to see a doctor and maybe have one of those stomach-shrinking procedures. I really don’t like those challenges for people that far gone. It’s dangerous.
(Dr Laura also tossed in some “lazy, and undisciplined” remarks too, just to make sure she was getting her point across)
Grossly overweight. How about GROSSLY UNPROFESSIONAL!!!??? A person calls you, a “professional,” for advice on why you have trouble staying motivated to lose weight, and you tell her to stop exercising and eating healthy food. And then flippantly insist to her that only an invasive surgery with a 10-50% percent success rate (depending on what study you read) will help her. I can’t even imagine how disappointed that woman must have been when she hung up that phone. I’ll bet you a dollar that ice cream was consumed soon thereafter, because, why bother? A “professional” told her that her efforts were useless.
I would say that 80 percent of Dr. Laura’s calls are her telling people to eliminate negative and destructive people from their lives. After 20 years of listening, consider yourself eliminated, Dr. Negative.