Overheard in my weight loss forum…

“Gross. I don’t come here to see big fat asses jiggling around,” pixie-of-a-girl said loudly to her friend at the gym, ensuring said fat-assed woman would hear.

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“Oh my god, I wish I could wear a shirt like that. I would never feel comfortable with my arms out like that,” said to me when I posted a post-workout photo in my favorite fun tank top. (Note: I didn’t take this as her suggesting anything was wrong with MY arms, but I was sad she felt so badly about her own.)

“I want to walk, but I don’t want the whole neighborhood to see me out walking because I’m embarrassed.” said by so many. Too many. swap out ‘walk’ for ‘gym’ and there are umpteen more.

These posts make me so sad. And angry. This morning I was jogging down Route 1a (aka Main Street), thinking about these posts, and then crafting this blog in my head. A social-worker-at-heart; I want to help everyone. I want to find out what the pixie girl has gone through to make her behave so cruelly. I want to force every fat chick in the world to wear cute, funny tank tops until they don’t give their arms a second thought. I want to teach people who are embarrassed to exercise to NOT GIVE A FUCK about what other people are thinking!

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ASSHOLES!

Pixiegirl McFatshamer’s life brought to a place where she thinks it’s ok, and maybe even FUNNY, to be nasty. Her behavior has NOTHING to do with you. She has a black spot in her heart that needs healing. That’s HER issue; NOT yours. Think about it this way… You own a company. Fatchick McWorkout and Pixie McFatshamer are applying for jobs. Who do you hire? Fatchick McWorkout and Pixie McFatshamer are standing in the Karma or Heaven or whateveryoubelieve line: Who is getting promoted or heavened or whatever?

It is not lost on me as I jog down 1A that some of the people driving past me are having nasty thoughts, laughing at me with their friends, or making snarky comments. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. It is also not lost on me that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, one person will see my fat ass jiggling along and my eyes black-and-blue because my “good jog bra” was in the wash today, and think, “Wow…. if she can do it, maybe I can too!” And that makes me happy ūüôā

I shoulded myself

screenshot_20180908-152911_instagram7622036206274700989.jpgA couple things my guru, Corinne Crabtree, preaches are coming into play hardcore this lately.

  1. If you want to make a big LASTING change, you have to make several micro-changes to head you down that road.
  2. Stop shoulding on yourself. (Say it out loud. It’s fun!)¬† (Here’s a link to one of her podcasts focused on shoulding, but she talks about it a lot!)

I want to get up and exercise before work a couple days a week because of my busier schedule does not allow me time to get exercise in after work/school/internship. I put it on my schedule last week twice and it didn’t happen. Wednesday morning the air was delightfully cold and dry and my husband was delightfully warm and snuggly. Yesterday, I just plain didn’t want to get up- and I had a headache.¬† In review, I see super-early-A.M. exercise doesn’t belong¬† on my plan yet until I have practiced getting up at 5:30am. By putting it on my schedule, I am setting myself up for failure and telling myself I don’t have to follow my own schedule. I have spent my entire life quitting on myself and teaching myself how to quit on myself by setting myself up for failure and accepting failure as the truth of who I am. Someone who starts things. Lots of things. So many things. Sad. (<— hahaha @ me channeling my inner Trump).

Back to early morning exercise. I have already made several of the micro-changes needed to get me to this goal…

  • I don’t stay up late anymore
  • I get up pretty early now already (just not 5:30ish ) in comparison to 2 years ago me who sometimes slept until I had to work at noon. NOON!
  • I’ve made exercise part of daily life. I decided long ago on a daily minimum of 15 minutes. Literally everyone has 15 minutes to do SOMETHING- even if bedtime has rolled up on ya… you can do 15 minutes of bedtime yoga. 15 minutes may not seem like much, but 1. 90% of the time I go much longer and 2. 15 minutes is better than zero minutes. 3. Doing this has created a solid foundation for me to build on.

One thing I know Corinne would recommend is an accountability partner. I am fighting this one because, well, shit. I guess because I don’t want to really do it. Damnit. As I type this out, I guess I need to find one. BUT HERE ARE MY GREAT EXCUSES NOT TO….

  • I don’t like people. Especially new people. I’m in Corinne’s facebook group and because she did a recent talk on accountability partners, they are all posting asking for partners and stuff and I am like….EW. NO NEW PEOPLE!¬† WHAT IF THEY ARE NEEDY AND WANT TO BE, LIKE…. FRIENDS!!??? GROSS! LOL
  • I don’t keep my phone in my room at night, so having someone that texts or calls me at 5:30 isn’t going to work.
  • I am barely responsible for my own shit, let alone someone else’s!
  • I have Lonnie. (However… you read above and saw how well that has worked out so far)

I just texted my bff Nicole. I think she does morning shit.¬† Is that cheating?¬† Should I be broadening my horizons with that whole ‘new people’ thing? Hmmmm…….

So this week’s plan: Get up at 5:30 every day. Not putting the early morning exercise on the plan this week, but if I feel like it, I’ll do it. But as long as I get up… I’m showing up for myself!

 

 

It’s not you, it’s us

Taboo subject alert: We have had several discussions about re-homing Piper over the past couple years. In fact, a few weeks ago we even began to put out feelers for amazing humans living in amazing situations with yards and kids and dogs and lakes where she could be her amazing self. Then we began to have lots of feels. …,.which to be honest, is quite uncharacteristic for me. I love dogs! BUT I am not one of those people who goes on vacation and sits around missing my dog. I do not call my dogs my children. I do not have dog birthday parties. My dogs own zero articles of clothing. And dogs are not allowed in the bed at night.

Back to Piper. She just turned 2 years old and she is an extremely intelligent dog with a lot of energy. We are a super laid-back low-energy, house. Recently, Piper has spent lots of time with her buddy, Mia. Both at our apartment and at my friend Nicole’s house–that is in the country with a nice big yard that Piper LOVED running around at top speed! Piper LOVES Mia. Mia LOVES Piper. Mia is everything Luna (our Golden Retriver) is not. Luna is an incredibly submissive and delicate flower. She has little to no interest in Pipers shenanigans. There is some playing, but mostly annoyance, and hunkering down or hiding to avoid getting TACKLED, herded, and dragged around by the collar. Not an optimal situation for either pup.

But I can’t let her go. She is 12/10 on the personality and intelligence chart and I love that shit! So we’ve made some renewed commitments to make sure both dogs are getting what they need to be happy. Lots more walks, separate (so Luna can RELAX) and together, and trips to the park run and run and run. Fortunately, both are good off-leash so on hikes and park trips, they can really go FULL SEND. I’ve also been taking the time to really train Piper to walk well on a leash to make it enjoyable for all involved and it’s WORKING! AND I spent today researching local agility training because I KNOW she will love it since she loves playground equipment so much! And we are HOPING a well-trained, well-exercised Piper will be a better friend for Luna. …Or at least be tired enough to take it down a couple notches.

And note-to-self and readers… Just because you have always wanted a German Shepherd or border collie or pug or English setter or husky or teacup poodle, etc doesn’t mean they are the right pup for your situation or that you are the right owner for theirs! Don’t ignore the widely available breed characterisric information …..like I did.

Goddamn Hippies

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Nature gives us so much enjoyment… it’s on US to give back!

I can’t believe I am about to say this….¬† but….¬† here it goes…¬† ¬†WE ARE ALL CITIZENS OF EARTH!¬† Lonnie and I are increasingly realizing we want to be GOOD citizens of the earth and that means making choices that are sometimes inconvenient and out of our comfort zones. We started by no longer purchasing bottled water. Lonnie watched a documentary that led to days of research and a proclamation¬†that we were done with bottled water, particularly Coke products.¬† Google “Coca-Cola¬†Murders,” and then check out this list of Coca Cola¬†products once you are rightfully disgusted and horrified. In addition to human rights violations, we are also thinking about our contributions to the negative impact on our environment caused by bottled water. We all know those bottles are going SOMEWHERE,¬†but it’s so easy to just not give a shit for the sake of convenience. Tell me one time you were outside recently and DIDN’T see a bottle on the ground by the side of the road, in the woods, one the beach…..?¬† Again, do your own research and decide for yourself.¬† While you’re at it, do a little research about Poland Springs and the bullshit they have been pulling in Maine, in our own backyard!

20180624_181235Another thing I’ve known for YEARS, and have ignored, is the meat-farming industry is one of the main causes of our declining environment. Here is a good article (Not from PETA — because fuck those guys) to get you started,¬†How Does Meat in the Diet Take an Environmental Toll?¬† Now, let’s not get cray-cray; I *LOVE* MEAT. Steak…chicken….¬†pork… BACON….¬†::::sigh::::¬† ¬†BUT, if I want to be a better citizen of the earth I need to change the way I consume it. So, we are now having a LEAST 1 non-meat dinner a week. One of our first was trying to make fish curry. DO NOT RECOMMEND¬† Mr. I’ll-Eat-Anything Clarke took one bite and considered running away from home. A standout fav of his is a plate of fruits, veg, some kids of break/cracker/pita, and hummus or cheese. It’s a perfect meal for hot summer nights on busy days when we don’t feel like cooking anyway– double bonus! A standout fav of mine is a nice steamy bowl of kimchi fried rice with the kimchi I made, LIKE A BOSS!

We still have oodles of room for improvement to full hippy integration, but for now, these changes are seeming to stick (Especially since I starting writing this post in May and never finished it till today!)

Doing all the things and none of the things

Blissful staycation. Even taking into consideration ripping my big toenail half off and having to bow out of my 3k race tomorrow. Fortunately, as of today, it doesn’t really hurt anymore, and it’s oozing (ewwwww, I know) much, much less!

Doing a little dogsitting

We’ve had a perfect balance of laziness and getting stuff done.

I got and planted some more plants.

Did some painting and decorating.

Cooked up a storm. Several, actually.

And this weekend, Jessi is coming to visit! I’m going to terrify myself with some dinos on a giant Imax screen. AND I’m going to terrify everyone else when I try my hand at homemade kimchi!

Hammock time with creepers

Here’s a link to one of the delicious recipes I made this week! (I didn’t shape it into a volcano. We were out of eggs. And I added some pork)

Volcano Fried Rice

Never a dull moment

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Just enough time to take a selfie and read .5 pages

I have ALWAYS been a magnet for shenanigans, and even though the results are often a disaster, I LOVE IT!!¬† I started my morning today by forgetting to put my cup under the Kuerig and coating my kitchen counter and floors with a delicious coating of Island Coconut coffee. And then burned myself wiping it up with a paper towel because somehow it didn’t occur to me that the coffee would still be hot.

After a successful second attempt at coffee, I sipped and thought about plans for my solo day of leisure. Full disclosure: I am a lazy ass bitch that can spend an entire day on the couch watching Youtube/Netflix/Hulu with no guilt whatsoever. But TODAY I decided to take my lazy ass to the lake with the pups.

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Our new giant poodle friends 

Me to myself: “I’ll have a nice quiet day at the lake. I’ll take a swim if it’s warm enough, set up the hammock, and then read all afternoon. I am so outdoorsy. They Call me…. um…. shit— who is an outdoorsy person….. BEAR GYRLLS!!!” (HA See what I did there!? I crack myself up!)

Our adventure started with Piper spotting a couple new friends and yanking the leash– almost taking my middle finger with it. So that finger is black, purple, red, blue… and nice n’ fat now. And it hurts to type. Then I had to socialize with strangers because the dogs were having fun. I am 51% introvert. I was not thrilled.

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For you “pics or it didn’t happen” type folks

Our new friends said their goodbyes so I finally got my swim. It WAS warm enough and it was lovely. A giant Bald Eagle was circling around the lake the whole time and if you know me, you know I love that shit!

Then I set up the hammock. Let’s not talk about how long it took me to get it set up the way I wanted it; aka with my ass NOT on the ground. You have to put those straps up on the tree REALLY HIGH!!!¬† You also need TWO carabiners, not 1. WHO KNEW!!?? (Lonnie. Lonnie knew. Hence why I’ve never done it before.)

Then let’s not talk about me reading a HALF page of my book when suddenly Piper’s head comes over the edge of the hammock, dropping something into the hammock with me. I notice a stench while I contort myself to find what she dropped in there because it went under me somewhere, and it’s A DEAD FISH HEAD. Fun fact: It is impossible to quickly launch yourself out of parachute hammocks even when you feel like your life depends on it. It’s cool. I didn’t really feel like reading anyway……

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It wasn’t the only fish head. The next half hour was me trying to make the dogs ignore the fish carnage, swimming with them again just to get them rinsed off because they rolled in it, and then deciding I’d had enough fun at the lake for one day.

Next time, those bitches are staying home!!

Who am I kidding?

The visit

It’s about to get weird up in here.

Thursday night my father visited me in a dream. Oddly enough, I have been waiting for this to happen since he died, and have been slightly (irrationally) annoyed that he hadn’t done it yet like my grandfather did the night he died (You can read about that here).

As we know, there were some “issues” between us when my dad died that caused me to sadness, anger, and confusion because our relationship had actually been great the past few years. I even answered the phone when he called every week or so and didn’t let it go to voicemail and then Facebook message him later on as I have been known to do…..

His refusal to let me visit when he was dying has run through my mind on a fairly regular basis. However, only over the past several weeks have I been able to lose the anger, and even the sadness, about it and realize those couple weeks are irrelevant to the past several YEARS.

Thursday night we stood talking in front of a fireplace (in a house/apt I’ve never been in or seen before) and he said something (I can’t remember what), causing me to say, “Dad, you know you died months ago, right?” He paused, thinking for a minute, and said, “Well, I guess that makes sense.” Then I told him what happened between us at the end and he genuinely appeared to remember any of it and seemed disappointed in himself, saying something to the effect of, ‘wow… I wonder why I would do that?’

Those last couple weeks, he was confused and disoriented most of the time, often unable to answer simple questions or recognize people he knew. So it would make sense if he didn’t remember events that took place during that period of time.

The rest of our visit was just. so. normal. We chatted like always and he was just my Dad.

The only thing nagging at me is when I said, “So… Do you like this new place?” he said, “Not particularly.” He did move right before he went into the hospital, and he wasn’t happy about it, so I hope that’s where my brain got that footage.

Yes, my brain. Because while I felt the realness of him there and the difference between that experience and my other nightly dreams. I also realize our minds are incredibly powerful and my dream could have been ‘just a dream.’

Frankly, It doesn’t matter which it was.