There is no wagon

The other night I posted about not using food to manage emotions and how I was struggling to not do so. I didn’t succumb that night, but yesterday, I did. The difference these days, is I don’t just mindlessly swing into the McD’s drive through and order whatever I want and scarf it down. And then drive back through for a McFlurry. (Yes, that has happened a few times back in the day.) Now I put thought into it and announce to myself, “I am going to go off my plan right now because I want a snack and I want a snack that is yummy because I am stressed, exhausted & annoyed. I chose a little bag of combos and a little bag of peanut m&ms because I wanted to sit and eat them one-by-one and just escape for a little while. Now I KNOW this is “wrong.” Food is not an escape and I need to work on finding other ways to have ‘little escapes.’ But I also can’t help but notice that EVERYONE seems to do this. I spend many of my days in hospitals and college campuses watching people (ok that sounds creepy, but whatever). Even the skinniest, healthiest people use treats to manage stress. On the crazy days in the emergency department, a giant bag of candy ALWAYS suddenly appears in the nurse’s station. Practically everyone in the surgery and ED waiting rooms is munching on something!

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?

Does this blog seem like incoherent rambling? Yes. Like making a big excuse for my behavior yesterday? No. I actually don’t even feel bad about yesterday which is part of what I am learning to do. Food regret and guilt leads us to saying things like, “Well fuck it, I messed this whole week up now, I may as well just start back at healthy tomorrow….. or Monday…. or next month.” And I don’t do that anymore. There is no “one last meal,” no, “I’ll start back up tomorrow;” there is just LIFE.

 

 

The only thing food can solve is hunger


dont-get-stressed-get-dessert-uploaded-to-flickr-public-files-by-ichabodhidesMy guru Corinne Crabtree says that all the time. Today I’m living it. I had a SHITSHOW of a day and spent a good part of it daydreaming about unwinding once I got home with some yummy treats. That’s not a thing. Ice cream, candy, Cheez Its…. none of those things cancel out a shitty day. In fact, if anything, they would only add to the stress of the day because I know I didn’t plan for them and I know I am eating them for an emotional reason and not hunger and that is not the person I am learning to be.

So here I am snuggled up under a blanket on the couch watching TV. I just finished my planned dinner. I’m thinking about a nice hot cup of tea. I’m not falling face first into a bag of Sour Patch Kids, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still think about it all the time. I think that is one of the most helpful things I’ve learned over the past few months. It’s natural to think about things. I’m not weird or broken because I have thoughts about wanting a cookie when I see them in their frosted glory on the Valentine’s display at the grocery store. I’m not a freak when I walk past a bakery and smell the bread and want some bread. I’m not damaged because I think about wanting some candy when all the nurses are gathered around the nurse’s station chowing down on a giant bag of assorted chocolates! I can allow the thoughts to come and recognize them and then dismiss them and move on.

Speaking of moving on…. Shit I just remembered I have homework!  LOL

2018 in review

Why the heck not, right?

(And if you are wondering where I’ve been (and I’m sure you’re not), 1. I am journaling- like with a pen. In a journal. every morning, so that hits my writing spot. 2. I tried the new WordPress editor thing in November and H.A.T.E.D. it, and it wouldn’t work right on my chromebook, so I got annoyed and haven’t wanted to deal with it again.)

January: We started game nights. It lasted about a month with an occasional smattering here and there the rest of the year. I “Konmari’d”  …way ahead of the masses doing it now because of her new show.  I think I need to do it again. Jessi came to visit (you’ll see a theme here).january

February: The last shrouds of game night. Jessi came to visit. The winter blues started to set in. I fought them by trying to cross country ski and doing other fun stuff. Fun fact: I can’t cross country ski. YET.february.jpg

March: Beach vacation canceled (Boo!) and turned into an Old Orchard Beach vacation (aka making the best of a horror show of a month) –and visit with Jessi (shocking, I know)–and a super fun St Patrick’s Day that may become a tradition! Winter blues now officially “Seasonal Affective Disorder.”march

April: Sean turned 16!   Jessi came home to visit for Easter! I smell spring! I see sunshine …and the ground! I got REALLY into audiobooks! Jessi and I went to see Justin Timberlake in Boston on the train! Lonnie got fully into outdoor stuff and started going out in the woods to “do stuff,” -sometimes overnight- in freezing weather!april

May: I decided to become a plant person in an effort to have more hobbies and interests. Spoiler alert: MOST ARE STILL ALIVE! Yes, I said, “most.” We hiked. Sean cooked. I ran. Sean went to the Prom (under much duress)! I had my tubes tied! (Those 2 things not related)may

June: It’s SUMMER! Ran some more! Went to the lake with the dogs on my own! Hammocked and attempted to read a book. Instead, got a dead fish thrown at me by Piper and chaos ensued. We planted a little container herb garden. We had a doggie guest for a few weeks and Piper was in heaven!

june

July: It’s hot! I dove with both feet into Phit n’ Phat and set a goal to lose 100 pounds. Lonnie got a new charcoal grill that immediately began to feel like “the other woman,” but since I got Paella out of it, it’s all good.  We took the fam to Boston for a couple days and had a blasty-blast! Sean saw his fav Youtuber, Lonnie and I had real Korean food, we sat in Teslas.

july

August: We went to visit Jessi. Twice LOL In my defense…. the second time was for Sean to go school shopping. I ate my weight in watermelon. I continued to kick ass with PnP -even in Boston!august

September:  I started at UMaine grad school- Bye Bye Walden! I also started my internship. Bye Bye free time. Lonnie started a new job too at the crisis unit, so we had to find every moment we could to spend time together! AND– We became KITTY GRANPARENTS!  Oh yeah, and Jessi came to visit to pick up her new baby. september

October: I mastered getting up around 5-530 every day. Lonnie got back into hunting, so one night when I was bored and he was working, I went out and filled a bag with pine and fir needles to store his clothes in. He was wildly impressed and only mildly concerned about my clumsy-ass running around the woods with a saw.  Oh yeah, and Jessi came to visit… I mean it WAS her birthday month after all!october

November: When I started PnP I decided to start on the half sleeve I’ve always wanted. One flower at the time, every 20 pounds. Got my first one in November! Super fun turkey day at Jimmy and Lisa’s house and super fun AND FREEZING Black Friday with the kids- because… you know… Jessi was up for a visit 😉november

December: Merry Christmas! In true full-circle, game night came back! Sean went to Boston ON HIS OWN (with a friend) on the train to see a Travis Scott concert while I stayed in Portland at a hotel (and visited Jessi LOL). Christmas  (and Jessi) arrived and macaron making was attempted with pretty good success! Lonnie and I both worked Christmas Day, and he worked Christmas Eve too- that kinda sucked; but we made the best of it!

We brought in the New Year asleep. And I’m good with that 🙂  Bring on 2019!!!

img_20190109_2253556251855997953545753.jpg

Colleen eats and thinks and eat thinks.

hungerscale
Phit n Phat hunger scale

One of the things I practice these days is what Phit n’ Phat calls, “staying within the 2’s.” See that chart over there? It’s a magical chart that tells you in .002 seconds if you are actually hungry or if you’re eating for another reason. It’s not as easy as it sounds and takes practice, practice, practice. And that’s fine… I’ve got LOTS of time since I’m pretty sure I’ll be eating for at least a few more years 😉

The “easy” part is waiting to eat when you are actually hungry. The challenge is stopping at +2 and tossing out or putting away the rest of the food. I’ve been at this for 6ish months and this is still what goes on in my brain when I am practicing…

“I am definitely hungry… I think. No, I def am. :::Makes a salad::: OMG my mouth is literally watering this looks so good- WAIT that’s one of the signs I’m supposed to look for! Ok 2 bites in; I should start watching for +2. There’s usually a ‘sigh.’ Was that a sigh or just a deep breath? Was that a sigh? Did I sigh because I am thinking about sighing or because I’m satisfied? Are sighs like yawns? Great now I’m yawning. Whelp- salad is gone. I don’t feel stuffed or full, but I’m not hungry anymore. WAIT– this is it! This is the +2! But would I have found it if I had made a bigger salad…… “

There is a hunger scale podcast you can listen to if you’re into that kind of thing…  Click Here for Ep. 52 Hunger Scale

Posted

Despite (or because of) spending a good part of my life surrounded by hunters, I have always been a teensy bit of an anti-hunter. You know… Bambi and all that jazz. Hunting also was a sticky spot in my first marriage because it took precedence over all things.

But I recently had an aha moment.

About a month ago Sean watched Food Inc. at school and came home asking if we could start buying more ethically sourced meat. We had had already looking into it,  but haven’t jumped in because of the increased cost and hassle involved.

I got lots of great farm leads from Facebook friends, including a great pig farm in Winterport that just lets the pigs roam around and do their pig things until it’s time for them to become dinner. 23632190_1535610636518203_8916960185671850553_o.jpg While looking at their Facebook page (Souder Station Farm), I thought ‘What a great life they have! If only all the meat I eat could be living it’s best life until it’s time for it to become my dinner! WAIT. HOLY SHIT. That’s exactly what hunting is. OH MY GOD I’M SUCH AN ASSHOLE for hating on it all these years!’  Meat from a hunt is the actual, literal definition of “free-range meat.”

I can’t believe I never thought about it that way before. I think about all the anti-hunters out there that eat meat from the grocery store and restaurants giving no thought to those animals being brutally tortured from birth through death. A lifetime of stress and pain (aka hormones) saturated into their muscles. And then into our own when we ingest it and continue the cycle.

Hypocrisy at it’s finest!

 

This is a puke-free zone.

20171209_134242

Last night I said, “Honey…..” and my daughter said, “What?” I replied, “Not you, honey; Lonnie honey.” She said, “I know, I was just kidding. You have a very specific Lonnie voice.” My gut reaction was a feeling of awkward, indignant embarrassment. 1. That I am so predictable and 2. That I have a ‘Lonnie voice’ and other people notice.

Fortunately, I am a MASTER at thought replacement because of all the self-help podcasts and books I listen to.

And you can be too!  I responded within 2 seconds  with a giggle and a smile and, “I know I do!”  Our brains are AMAZING. Within those 2 seconds, the following conversation happened inside my head.

“WOAH…. I’m having a negative emotion about that! What’s that about? Why does it bother me that she pointed that out? Oh. I know why? Because for most of my life I was a ‘tough guy’ and equated snarky and sarcastic with being cool and strong, but I’m past that now and I am trying to live my life modeling love, especially for the kids because I was such a terrible role model for them with their father. I KNOW I have a ‘Lonnie voice’ because I want him to know I love and care about him with every word I say, and because I feel happy just talking to him and it comes out in my voice!  I want everyone in the world, ESPECIALLY Jessi and Sean, to have a special person who brings out a special voice in them too! So I’m gonna OWN AND ROCK THAT SHIT!!!”

screenshot_20180604-095258_snapchat43249595_10156848241724581_1724424228268146688_nOne way I worked on this issue was to recognize when I was having a negative reaction to people displaying love by rolling my eyes or thinking, “OMG GET A ROOM,” or “gag me with a credit card and put me on layaway.” or the puke emoji. I decided every time I caught myself doing this, I would stop myself and replace the thought with a smile and “Aw. I love love. They look happy and the more happy people in the world, the better!”  (even if I didn’t really feel that way yet as I knew I was a ‘lover of love’-in-training)  The smile is important. Saying it all out loud is even better. When you accompany your thoughts with physical actions, your brain locks that shit in! With years of practice, my instant, involuntary response to people kissing, holding hands, or taking couple selfies, is now a smile and a feeling a happiness.

I think that’s pretty great!

Let’s talk about cookies.

I’m sad and sulking. Lonnie is working the overnight shift tonight 7pm to 730am, and he did last night too. This is a VERY new thing that is going to take some serious getting used to. Pre Phit-n-phat, I would be at least 2 glasses of wine in, and I would have a bag of combos on one side of me and a bag of sour patch kids on the other.  I would happily, mindlessly sip-n-snack the evening away.  (side note: my mouth is LITERALLY watering right now.)

20180928_1845353168245248560510295.jpgI didn’t put wine, or sour patch kids, or combos on my plan I wrote this morning. So I won’t have them. What WILL be going on my plan this weekend, and I WILL be having is COOKIES!!  Something reminded me of Nestle ‘break and bake’ chocolate chip cookies that were filled with peanut butter they used to sell. I think they were discontinued years ago. They were SO. DAMN. GOOD. Ooey and gooey. Chewy and chocolately. Sweet and Salty. And let’s not forget peanutbuttery.

So I am trying to find a way to make them. Nicole suggested freezing a little block of peanut butter and wrapping the dough around. A solid idea, but I think the cold will slow the baking down and the cookies would dry out before the dough melted.

Screenshot 2018-09-28 at 6.56.06 PM.pngThen I found a recipe for chocolate peanut butter filled cookies. It suggests mixing the peanut butter with powdered sugar and rolling it into balls to wrap the dough around. Will it be too sweet?

You know what!? I’m going to try it both ways!  And any other ways I stumble upon….

You know what else!? Wine is going on my plan for tomorrow 😉