I cannot recall my mother ever telling me or my brothers what to do with ourselves during our summer vacation; especially not at age 15. My mother never made me a daily list of things to do. She never required proof they had been done. Hell… she never even knew where we WERE most of the time, And we all turned out JUST FINE!
Yet somehow, as I sit here watching my son clock in another hour of ps4, I feel guilty, like somehow it’s MY fault that he is wasting his summer.
Why has my generation of parents decided that it’s our job to make sure our children’s lives are a never-ending amusement park of memories? Why do we now label parents as bad or lazy if they are actually letting their kids figure shit out on their own? Every time something negative happens that involves a kid, the world swiftly responds with, “WELL WHERE WERE THE PARENTS!?” We have completely absolved our children from any sense of responsibility, autonomy, or morality, and yet expect them to magically become responsible, autonomous, moral adults when they turn 18. When I was growing up, summertime was me out and about in the neighborhood learning life lessons until the street lights came on. If I did something wrong (and I certainly did!), blame wasn’t placed on my mother, it was placed on me; where it belonged!
In truth, WE are the bad parents. We have created children that have no idea what to do with themselves when left to their own devices. We are creating kids that leave home at 18…19….29….. and are immediately reduced to puddles of anxiety because we haven’t let them figure anything out on their own!
The solution? Hell if I know!? If I knew the magic answers, I probably wouldn’t be getting angry side-eye right now because I told my kid to turn off his ps4 to do a french lesson and some laundry.
Today marks 1 month since Jessi flew the coop. Not-gonna-lie, that first week was ROUGH! There was a lot of crying, sulking, pouting, moping….. you get the idea. Since then, I have been ok, we text every day, and she is still including me in knowing stuff about her life. Less stuff. But stuff. This is what she needed, to get away from my influence, Maine, and whatever else, and to have a chance to figure out what she wants and who she is with no distractions.
So… during the day. I am fine. Yes, there are some songs that come on the radio or things I see that bring on that sting in the eyes…. but I recover quickly 😉 Being focused on house stuff, weekend adventures, and fitness, has been a huge help to avoid emotional eating or wallowing in my own self-pity.
The last goodbye tackle
During the day.
It’s the weirdo nighttime shit that is disconcerting. A few nights a week I have Jessi dreams where I am crying and sobbing hysterically. The other night I dreamt that she and I were driving her down to Richmond, so we stopped at the grocery store and I was buying ALL THE BAD FOOD for the road trip and sobbing as I wandered through the aisles filling my cart with Pirate’s Booty and Sour Patch Kids. . Which do I miss more? Jessi? or Junk food!? LOL
Being a mom is sadistic. You spend almost 20 years bonding and getting attached just to RIP EM OFF YA ::::insert velcro sound here:::::
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! And I say this not to avoid saying MERRY CHRISTMAS, but because Thanksgiving AND Christmas have so far been HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!
We have our ghetto-fabulous-little-tacky-tree and we have our perfectly decorated silver and gold tree.
There are actually WRAPPED PRESENTS under the tree already!! My kids can attest to how groundbreaking this is as last minute shopping/wrapping is usually how I roll! I HATE wrapping presents! Well, I THOUGHT I hated wrapping presents. Turns out that I just hate wrapping presents alone with no help! When Lonnie dove into the pile with me, it was actually FUN!!!
I have a pile of projects that I need to get to work on! (I may have bit off more than I can chew in the project department…lol)
On Sunday we are making gingerbread houses! (OK…we are going to attempt to make gingerbread houses…lol)
Black Friday was A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! Lonnie and I had a great time, got all the deals we wanted, and then when we were starting to crash… headed on home. Everyone out there seemed more friendly this year and less frenzied. Even standing in line at Target from 1030 til they opened at midnight was fun! We had awesome ‘line buddies’ with whom we laughed, joked, and watched football on my phone …in perfect warmish weather no-less!!!
So yeah… there are plenty of reasons that I could continue to view the holidays as a time to wallow about this or that. But I am choosing FUN and JOY instead!!
I haven’t been feeling the whole “eat only when you are hungry and only at the table” thing this week. …and honestly, even though I have “pretty much” forced myself to comply… I feel yucky and bloaty and fat. And actually… as I thought about what “pretty much” meant, and thought about all the times I ate on the couch and ate when I was hungry. I am kidding myself about the “pretty much” thing. I am off the rails!! I even bought a box of cheez its. I have had literally NO DESIRE to eat cheez its since I started this ‘eat whatever you want and whatever you love the most’ journey, which acutally shocked me because I thought they were my FAVORITE!! Turns out… they are just something that I turn to when I am feelingsy and want to zone out and mindlessly snack on the couch in front of the tv. Other than that time, I don’t ever want them.
So now I have to figure out WHY. I was blaming it all on “that time of the month,” but that’s not really a reason.
I have had “that time of the month” several times since I started this and it was actually FREEING to have a craving and sit with it until I was hungry and then go for it with no guilt.
Could it be self sabotage? My jeans have been looser, Jessi even commented on it the other day.
Another thought… I NEVER do well with schedule changes, and not only did we start going to the gym, which has changed our schedules, but I also had my hours cut down to 36 from 40.
Stress. Sean and his school slacking is stressing me out lately… bigtime. I am beyond frustrated with him and have had to take a good look at myself and my role (thanks Dr. Phil for last weeks episode about a 20 year old still living at home) in his behavior. I have had to make changes in myself and crack down on him hardcore and stop worrying that he will be “sad” if I make him do the things he is supposed to. It’s been REALLY, REALLY hard. I HATE to see him sad and he is such a jerk when he is mad at me and it makes me feel crappy. I have some serious divorce guilt. I also have serious, I used to be a shitty, bitchy, angry person…. which means I was a shitty, bitchy, angry mom. So I feel like I have to make up for all those years of shittiness. BUT… I realize now what I was doing and I am done. Letting him slack at school and home and act like a jerk is not being a good mom… it’s not angry or bitchy…. but it’s still shitty.
Hmmm…. LOL I think we found the answer there…. See… THIS is why I blog. And if you don’t blog… I implore you to even keep a private blog, or a journal. I knew that I was having troubles and I knew the Sean thing was a part of it, but until I started writing, and the feelings started bubbling up as I typed… I didn’t realize how hard of a time I am having with this.
Blogging really IS cheaper than therapy.
P.S. I can feel you judging me for watching Dr. Phil. Stop it. LOL