Colleen eats and thinks and eat thinks.

Phit n Phat hunger scale

One of the things I practice these days is what Phit n’ Phat calls, “staying within the 2’s.” See that chart over there? It’s a magical chart that tells you in .002 seconds if you are actually hungry or if you’re eating for another reason. It’s not as easy as it sounds and takes practice, practice, practice. And that’s fine… I’ve got LOTS of time since I’m pretty sure I’ll be eating for at least a few more years ūüėČ

The “easy” part is waiting to eat when you are actually hungry. The challenge is stopping at +2 and tossing out or putting away the rest of the food. I’ve been at this for 6ish months and this is still what goes on in my brain when I am practicing…

“I am definitely hungry… I think. No, I def am. :::Makes a salad::: OMG my mouth is literally watering this looks so good- WAIT that’s one of the signs I’m supposed to look for! Ok 2 bites in; I should start watching for +2. There’s usually a ‘sigh.’ Was that a sigh or just a deep breath? Was that a sigh? Did I sigh because I am thinking about sighing or because I’m satisfied? Are sighs like yawns? Great now I’m yawning. Whelp- salad is gone. I don’t feel stuffed or full, but I’m not hungry anymore. WAIT– this is it! This is the +2! But would I have found it if I had made a bigger salad…… “

There is a hunger scale podcast you can listen to if you’re into that kind of thing…¬† Click Here¬†for Ep. 52 Hunger Scale

Mind Blown

Last week I¬†heard a Dr. Laura call from a woman who was unable to make decisions or choices.¬† After much discussion it was established that “So you lost your childhood and now you are trying to get it back every day by not making decisions and forcing other’s to make decisions for you.¬† ‘Child’ you didn’t feel protected and cared for, and ‘adult’ you is making up for it by forcing others¬†to care for you…. make decisions for you, basically treat you like¬†the child that you never got to be.”¬† My mind was 3/4s blown, with parallels still running through my mind almost a week later.

The FULL BLOW came while Lonnie and I were shopping at BJs (haha!).¬† I noticed the iced tea drink mix stuff and confessed to Lonnie that as a kid I used to sneak into the kitchen put some of the powder in a cup, make a paste out of it with water, and take it back up to my room and slowly savor revel in¬†the joy of¬†every little spoonful.¬† My mouth is actually watering as I type this.¬† Of course he was disgusted by this confectionary confession, and while laughing and trying to convince him of it’s deliciousness, I said, “NO!!!¬† It’s REALLY GOOD!¬† It tastes just like Lemonheads or Sour Patch Kids!!!¬† With the sour and the grainy sugary-ness…..”¬†

I stopped dead in the aisle, ¬†stunned at what I had just said.¬† Lonnie noticed within a few steps and turned around to see me standing there with my fully-blown mind and quizzically looked at me.¬† “OH. MY.¬†GOD.¬† IT TASTES JUST LIKE SOUR PATCH KIDS!!!!”

I eat a LOT of Sour Patch Kids.¬† Like, a LOT.¬† I have them 6 of 7 days a week, sometimes the full 7, maybe sometimes 9.¬†¬†My favorite part of the day is laying on the couch snuggled up on Lonnie, digging through my bag of Sour Patch Kids to avoid the blue ones (yuck).¬† I always eat 2 at a time and certain color combos taste better than others. Green ONLY goes with other green or yellow!¬† ūüėČ

This happened on Friday and I haven’t had any Sour Patch Kids since.¬† When I think about going to get some (just out of habit), my stomach votes ‘no’ and now my mind goes right to, “Well what is making you want those right now???”

This is by NO MEANS a declarative ‘I AM NEVER EATING SOUR PATCH KIDS AGAIN’ blog post.¬† That’s just crazy talk.¬† What this IS, is a ‘WHOA!¬† I AM DOING A DUMB THING FOR A DUMB, BUT UNDERSTANDABLE REASON!!!’ blog post.¬†¬†

Life got in the way

Boston aquarium and an excuse to show of my man’s sexy arm ūüėČ

It happens. ¬†September arrived, and with it a flurry of activity and emotions. ¬†We started our new fall work schedules (a new schedule that ¬†I LOVE, but was a big change nonetheless), Jessi headed back to UMaine, Sean started 8th grade, Mom came for a surprise visit, we went on our long-awaited long weekend to Boston…….. etc etc etc…..

All were WONDERFUL excuses to not count points and stick to Weight Watchers.  I CAN proudly say that I have continued to exercise!  Yay me!

But now I am at a crossroads of sorts. ¬†I am not feeling WW at all. ¬†I have considered going back to low-carb for awhile. ¬†But honestly…. as of this moment. ¬†I am just feeling sticking to exercise and trying to be more mindful about what I stuff in my face and why I am doing said stuffing.

Speaking of WHY…. ¬†Nicole (bff) and I were talking about all my yearly autumn drama
Nicole: Why ARE you such a mess every year at this time?
Me: ¬†I don’t fucking know… ¬†because everything changes and it’s really busy and irritating.
Nicole: Hmmmm…. I think there is more to it then that. ¬†When did your father leave?
Me: Holy shit.
Nicole:  :::::mic drop:::::

Now I have no idea if she is really onto something, but who knows? ¬†Talking with my mom about it, she thinks that if there is a connection there, it would also include moving to Maine a few months beforehand and leaving behind my entire life in Connecticut. ¬†And even if they ARE related, I need to learn to manage my behavior no matter WHAT the reason is for engaging in said behavior. …
Or maybe just work on being less crazy in general.  LOL NAH!!!!  What fun would THAT be!!??

And now some pics from the past couple weeks adventures…..
Sangria and a visit from Mom, which also included an unexpected lovely weekend at a cottage in Northport, Maine.

ONE DIRECTION!!!!  (Yes I am a 13 year old in a forty-something body.)
Jessi’s “new” car and back to school

Sassy new hair… that husband hated. ¬†(“It’s so STRAIGHT? ¬†Where’s my wild-haired girl??”)¬†

Nothin’ to it but to KEEP DOIN’ IT!!!
Lonnie grillin’ up some Paella during Mom’s visit.
Another gratuitous sexy husband pic.  LOOK AT THOSE CALVES!

When cupcakes dissappoint….

What a waste

I trying to learn to teach my brain, belly, and mouth to slow their roll.  Settle down.  Be happy with less.

I also know that I must keep all three happy while doing so, or there will be a REVOLUTION!

It’s a delicate balance.

Yesterday Lonnie, Jessi, the pups and I had a simply marvelous day on the coast.  We beached.  We laked.  We downtown Bar Harbored.  Before we left, Lonnie and I even made going for a run a priority.  Yay us!

Jessi and I doing some sick cheerleader moves at Long Pond

As I knew I had plenty of activity points for the day, and I hadn’t eaten much, I decided that this day deserved to be topped off with a little ice cream!¬†¬† …..then I saw the adorable little cupcake shop with case full of beautiful, delicious looking cupcakes of happiness.¬† (as an aside…. I have been obsessed with cupcakes lately anyway because I have been watching ‘Cupcake Wars’ on netflix… which honestly, may be the most stupid, most contrived, and most annoying show that I hate, yet keep watching)¬† Their beauty even inspired Jessi to splurge and have a little wheat (which she knows she will pay for later with belly pain and break-outs).¬† I couldn’t decide between chocolate with peanut butter frosting and vanilla with oreo frosting, so I bought one of each with the plan to eat half of each.¬† They wrapped them up in a cute little pink box and we took them home to indulge in later that evening while watching Orange is the New Black.

So much care.  So much anticipation.  So much planning.  Not-on-a-diet me would have gobbled them down while walking down the street or in the car, or the second I got home.  On-a-diet me is trying to learn to eat right most of the time and really savor occasional splurges.

Well screw you, Cupcake place.¬† All that care, anticipation, and planning.¬† and they were terrible.¬† The frosting just tasted like sugar and crisco… little to no flavor at all.¬† The cake was so crumby and delicate that it basically just disintegrated into a pile of crumbs the second I cut it in half… and also had no flavor.¬† I didn’t even finish either half because why put something into my body that I am not loving!??¬† (Which is a foreign concept to not-on-a-diet Colleen.¬† ūüėȬ† )

So instead I had a delicious bowl of sweet, buttery, crunchy Capn’ Crunch with ice cold milk.¬† For less than half the money and about 1/4 the points.

The Capn’ never disappoints.

Back at it…. again.

Sean had a timeline project a couple weeks ago and he and I went through my blog together (my old blog and this new one) to gather photos to add to the timeline and to refresh our memories about exact dates of events.¬† It was quite an afternoon of reminiscing, the good stuff (vacations, shooting his first deer, new puppies!), and the not-so-good stuff (deaths, divorce, moves).¬† One thing I have mixed feelings about is my never-ending weight loss struggle.¬† One the one hand, it’s YAY FOR ME…I never give up!!¬† But on the other hand, I am the basically the same as I was when I started blogging in 2006, so all the diets, exercise, etc. really did…. well… nothing?¬† Thaaaaat’s kind of depressing.


My body and my mind just feel so much better when I am sticking to a low carb diet.¬† I feel in control of things.¬† I don’t ever feel bloaty.¬† I feel lighter.¬† I don’t binge.¬† I eat when I am hungry… and am more cognizant of when I am eating when I am NOT hungry.¬† I think this is because it is so hard to find low carb foods to mindlessly graze/binge on.¬† Most take preparation, and most are quite filling.¬† I find myself in the kitchen just searching and searching through the fridge, the cabinet, the pantry, back to the fridge for “something” that I can eat… but although they are all stocked well with low carb foods, I want none of that…. a few minutes of this usually snaps me into realizing that I am not actually hungry…. I am just WANTING.

The first few days of low carbing are always rough.¬† Yesterday was no exception. There was a lot of whining.¬† A lot of complaining.¬† A lot of “WHY CAN’T I JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON WHO JUST EATS NORMALLY AND DOESN’T GET GIGANTIC!????”¬† At one point last night Lonnie finally said, “JUST GO FREAKIN’ EAT SOMETHING…. you are a mess!”¬† (Which actually snapped me out of it and I went and made a low carb snack.)

Things that help me get through the rough beginning…
-BTDT and know it will end soon
-looking for low carb recipes
-the support of my husband who is right there in the trenches with me!
-keeping the kitchen picked up (low carb gets messy because of all the food prep, and if there is clutter everywhere, it’s too easy to say ‘Fuck this… I’m just having a peanut butter and honey sammich!”

I have also started running again and I LOVE THAT!!!  It is part of why I decided it was time to get back to eating right so that I feel better and lighter and FASTER!

So while chances are good that in 2022 I will look exactly like I do today.¬† I will keep on keepin’ on… because why the hell not!?

Still not killin’ it

Feeling like a slug. ¬†I haven’t even gone to the gym at all this week.

Maine is just so gross this time of year. ¬†All I want to do is snuggle and be cozy and sleepy. ¬†I believe there are those that call it “SAD:¬†seasonal affective disorder” ….but I put that in the same category with my RLS. ¬†Except even less so since while I am NOT doing so…. there are plenty of things I COULD be doing to make the blues disappear… like take care of myself and NOT spend the afternoon on the couch eating doritos (Which I totally justified by “putting them in a bowl” and not eating out of the bag.) while watching 36 episodes of ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ and ‘Something Borrowed, Something New.

I am actually not beating myself up about it though, which is a change. ¬†I know I am in a little rut… and I know that it will pass. ¬†I can actually already feel it passing since last night I was drawn to lots of healthy recipes on Pinterest that I can’t wait to eat. ¬†I have learned to TRUST MYSELF! ¬†Our bodies REALLY DO begin to crave health. ¬†We just have to listen!

Not feelin’ it

I haven’t been feeling the whole “eat only when you are hungry and only at the table” thing this week. ¬†…and honestly, even though I have “pretty much” forced myself to comply… I feel yucky and bloaty and fat. ¬†And actually… as I thought about what “pretty much” meant, and thought about all the times I ate on the couch and ate when I was hungry. ¬†I am kidding myself about the “pretty much” thing. ¬†I am off the rails!! ¬†I even bought a box of cheez its. ¬†I have had literally NO DESIRE to eat cheez its since I started this ‘eat whatever you want and whatever you love the most’ journey, which acutally shocked me because I thought they were my FAVORITE!! ¬†Turns out… they are just something that I turn to when I am feelingsy and want to zone out and mindlessly snack on the couch in front of the tv. ¬†Other than that time, I don’t ever want them.

So now I have to figure out WHY. ¬†I was blaming it all on “that time of the month,” ¬†but that’s not really a reason.

  • I have had “that time of the month” several times since I started this and it was actually FREEING to have a craving and sit with it until I was hungry and then go for it with no guilt.
  • Could it be self sabotage? ¬†My jeans have been looser, Jessi even commented on it the other day.
  • Another thought… I NEVER do well with schedule changes, and not only did we start going to the gym, which has changed our schedules, but I also had my hours cut down to 36 from 40.
  • Stress. ¬†Sean and his school slacking is stressing me out lately… bigtime. ¬†I am beyond frustrated with him and have had to take a good look at myself and my role (thanks Dr. Phil for last weeks episode about a 20 year old still living at home) in his behavior. ¬†I have had to make changes in myself and crack down on him hardcore and stop worrying that he will be “sad” if I make him do the things he is supposed to. ¬†It’s been REALLY, REALLY hard. ¬†I HATE to see him sad and he is such a jerk when he is mad at me and it makes me feel crappy. ¬†I have some serious divorce guilt. ¬†I also have serious, I used to be a shitty, bitchy, angry person…. which means I was a shitty, bitchy, angry mom. ¬†So I feel like I have to make up for all those years of shittiness. BUT… I realize now what I was doing and I am done. ¬†Letting him slack at school and home and act like a jerk is not being a good mom… it’s not angry or bitchy…. but it’s still shitty.
Hmmm…. LOL I think we found the answer there…. See… THIS is why I blog. ¬†And if you don’t blog… I implore you to even keep a private blog, or a journal. ¬†I knew that I was having troubles and I knew the Sean thing was a part of it, but until I started writing, and the feelings started bubbling up as I typed… I didn’t realize how hard of a time I am having with this.
Blogging really IS cheaper than therapy.
P.S. I can feel you judging me for watching Dr. Phil.  Stop it.  LOL

Feeling "eaty"

It’s been probably a couple months since I began what I have now learned is called “intuitive eating.” ¬†So much has just become second nature and I still stop sometimes and stun myself thinking about how I “used to be.”

I have been sick with a nasty, nasty cold for about a week now, and many days my appetitite was just non-existent. ¬†This will probably sound weird to you, but that has never happened. ¬†In the past when I have been sick, I would spend the day on the couch snacking and vegging and watching tv. ¬†I can clearly see now that I was eating to make myself feel better, and just would keep snacking because…
1. While snacking, the food tastes yummy and that DOES take my mind off the cold, i.e. “Makes me feel better.”¬†
2. ¬†Once the snack is gone, I am reminded how crappy I feel… So… Have another snack, but a different one this time because now I need something sweet… Or salty… Or creamy… Because as we all know… Or in my case anyway, just because I am full/stuffed, if I switch it up sweet to savory, creamy to crunchy… I am suddenly able to eat more! ¬†Woo hoo!¬†
The last thing I want anyone to think when they read this, however, is that this has been easy or that I have completely exercised the demons! ¬†I still have moments every day where I get that urge to eat when I am not hungry. ¬†And I still have occasional times when I go ahead and do so. ¬†But I do with with full knowledge of what I am diving, and why¬†I am doing it. ¬†There have been many times I have even said to Lonnie, “I’m feeling eaty tonight.” ¬†Because I wasn’t exactly sure why I was feeling that way, and most times just talking it out helps that “eaty” feeling go away. ¬†Sometimes it doesn’t, and I eat, but I eat exactly what I want, at the table. ¬†Not mindlessly snacking on the couch. ¬†And I have no guilt afterwards, because I took care of myself. ¬†As much as “they” like to preach to us, food is not just fuel for our bodies, but for our souls as well, and sometimes the soul just needs some damn chex mix!!!

The required ‘end of the year, new year new beginning’ post

Google made this little slideshow for me and it popped up on my phone yesterday and I just thought it was too neat and a great representation of 2013 ūüôā

2013 was a great year. ¬†Lots of changes and I feel like my little family is growing up… fast! ¬†I learned a lot about myself and who I am and who I want to be…. and am working to make those two be the same person ūüėČ

2014 I expect more of the same. Some of my goals for the year….

  • I will keep on working on my healing my body and my soul from all the years of damage and neglect. ¬†
  • I will be on my little Sean and his schooling like white on rice. ¬†Look out, kid… Mommy is on a mission!!!
  • I will try not to end up in the psych ward when Jessi graduates high school in June and then goes off to college in August.
  • I will use my twitter as a ‘gratitude and celebration journal.’ ¬†I like twitter and visit it daily… I have just never been sure how I wanted to use it.
  • I will continue this blog, and blog even when I feel like I am “failing” at something.
  • By the end of this year I would like to be a person who eats only when she is hungry.
  • I will once again be able to run 3 miles without stopping by the end of the year.
  • I will spend this year continuing to nurture my relationship with Lonnie. This blog post I read a long time ago is an excellent resource for this, just change the words “marriage and spouse” to “relationship and partner” ¬†ūüėČ ¬†
  • I will be the best I can be at work!
I think that’s a good list for now.

Still going….

When I don’t blog for awhile… it usually means I have fallen off the wagon. ¬†But since I started this whole “Hunger Directed Eating” thing… there is no wagon to fall from. ¬†No wagon. ¬†None. ¬†I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my soul. ¬†I realize that sounds incredibly dramatic…. but this IS incredibly dramatic.

I have actually FORGOTTEN about my favorite foods that was were in the fridge. ¬†The leftover potato salad (my FAVORITE!) is NOT sitting in the fridge there CALLING, no… SCREAMING, my name… while I fight with all my might to ignore the screams …until I can fight no more and go have one more bowl full… even though I am not in the least bit physiologically hungry. ¬†That potato salad now sits there quietly, waiting for me, and I will only eat it if I am hungry AND want that more than anything else. I am not worrying that someone else will eat it and it will be gone… or it will go bad and I won’t be able to eat it as I have in the past, because I can always make more!
One of the big takeaways for me with HDE (hunger directed eating) was the exercise of actually saying to myself “What do I feel like eating?” ¬†Do I want something crunchy? ¬†Salty? ¬†Sweet? Creamy? ¬†Comfort-foodish? ¬†And then eating what I REALLY WANT… not what I “should” have or am “supposed” to have. ¬† Because who knows better than you… what it is you need? ¬†And your brain and soul eat your food just as much as your body does… so if you are only feeding the body… and the soul/brain/mind is still starving for what it really wanted… you are guaranteed to eat more than you need to because you can only starve your soul for so long. ¬†So you eat what you “think you should”¬†and then ALSO later on ate what you really needed to feel complete satisfaction.