Live and let live …I guess?

 

Screenshot 2019-08-21 at 12.20.19 PMIn my endless pursuit of self-improvement, I listen to a lot of podcasts and read a lot of books. One of the key messages of almost ALL self-care/self-improvement media (whether it’s about weight loss, spirituality, unleashing your full potential, etc.) is not letting other people’s bullshit affect you.

If you want to test yourself to see what mile-marker you’ve reached on your “journey of self-improvement (puke),” go on a family vacation. Hell, go on ANY vacation with a bunch of adults of all ages and one male 17yr old. The male 17-year-old is not essential- like, don’t STEAL one or anything- but if you really want to challenge your zen level, I mean REALLY want to push yourself, I highly recommended incorporating one into your travel plans.

What did I learn about myself?

I learned I’ve made some good progress, but I still have a long way to go. I learned that if people are pissing me off, I tend to take it out on my husband- which is obviously not cool and needs work. I learned I struggle with wanting everyone to be having a good time and feeling upset when clearly one or two people are not. I learned that I am more able to recognize these feelings in-the-moment and do some self-talk to manage those emotions.

(We’re just gonna go ahead and use “they” here- lest I have people calling for my head on a platter)

  • “They didn’t have to come along, but they chose to because they want to be with the family. So maybe they aren’t having a woo-hoo blasty blast, but they are content to be with the group.”
  • “They are just not as go-with-the-flow are you are and that’s ok. Actually, it’s great for them! They probably have a better credit score than I do because of it LOL”
  • “They literally just said 5 minutes ago they had an upset stomach- this is not about you- you lunatic.”
  • “We are a loud, obnoxious family, not everyone is used to, or is into, that!”

I also learned I’m not sure what the end goal should even be. Are we not even supposed to have feelings when other people act in ways that we don’t like and just understand it’s their bullshit causing them to act that way and understand it has little or nothing to do with us? Are we just supposed to accept and embrace everyone for who they are?  Most self-care media suggests surrounding yourself and spending your time with people who have similar goals and outlooks on life and avoiding people who drain your positivity. So are they suggesting you just “cancel” family members? I understand cutting ties with family members who have repeatedly shown they can’t be trusted; but what about the family members who are just not on the same wavelength as you? Or have very different personalities? Or perhaps some shit they should probably work on? Or just make you crazy? Are we SUPPOSED to enjoy all the time we spend with people and therefore only spend time with people who we enjoy all the time?  Well, that can’t be it because I would be alone 100% of the time both because there is nobody I enjoy 100% of the time and FOR SURE nobody enjoys ME 100% of the time (LMAO)! 

 

 

The little yellow cat

Sean came into the living room tonight to report there was a little yellow cat on the porch meowing, so he opened the door to investigate, and it chased into our entryway after him hissing and spitting and meowing. So I come out to see if there is even really a cat since you never know with Sean.

There is a cat. And it is indeed meowing over and over as it almost frantically walks around on our steps looking at me through our kitchen window. I open the kitchen door and, as previously described by Sean, the cat comes running into the entry towards me, hissing, meowing, and trying to get into the house (even with giant Piper eagerly trying to join in on the fun!). So at this point, we are trapped in our apartment by this cat that I am convinced is rabid or something. I have never seen a cat act like that.

As we contemplate our plan, the cat leaves our porch and walks down the driveway so we can’t see her anymore. Sean is satisfied to move on with life. I, of course, am not. I go outside to see where the cat went and to check in with our neighbors who are cat people (and I mean CAT PEOPLE- like run a feral cat rescue, cat people). The second I turn the corner the cat comes at me doing the same hissing, crying, meowing. I talked to her (because I speak to all animals like they are people), “What is your deal? Are you lost? Are you hurt.?” When she reaches me, she starts rubbing on my legs and standing up on her back legs acting like she wants me to pick her up, but hisses and backs up if I start to bend over. Repeat. Repeat. “Ok weird cat. I’m going to see if you belong to someone.”

She did. Our neighbor exclaimed, “Oh my god! She got out earlier, and we haven’t been able to find her, and she’s never been outside before!” He walked outside with me, and the cat immediately ran (meowing, of course) into his arms.

And that was that.

I just can’t stop thinking about that little cat and the emotional turmoil she was CLEARLY going through. So much so that I honestly thought she was rabid. She was terrified but knew finding people, STRANGERS, to help her was the only way to get back where she belonged. She had to trust in people when it was going against her natural instincts. A giant internal emotional battle inside a tiny yellow cat. A tiny yellow cat who let herself trust (as much as she could) and is now home.

Who invited fruit?

I ate a blackberry today.

Under duress.

I made the mistake of telling Sean (my 16yo) my goal to try learning to like fruit this year (assuming he wasn’t paying attention and I was just talking to hear myself speak – as per usual). Apparently one of his callings is aggressively pushing others into achieving their goals. Sean J: life coach whether you like it or not.

The FLAVOR of the little ball of tiny balls was actually quite yummy. The TEXTURE, however, is not something I think I can get used to. The bursting in your mouth thing… The crunchy, tiny, earthy seeds amidst the juicy slime…. Um, no? I can’t say it’s a hard pass, but I definitely didn’t ask for another.

Not that he was offering.

Metaphysical Friday

First off. Let’s pretend I didn’t just spend 15 minutes finding a title for this series. Thesaurus.com anyone? Alliteration anyone?

I had a great discussion with my bff today about dreams after listening to this week’s Oprah Supersoul Sunday podcast and thinking… ‘Shit. I’m not sure I HAVE dreams! What does that even mean!?’ (As in the ‘hopes and….’ – – not the nighttime ones. I have PLENTY of those!)

Our talk got cut a bit short because of stupid work and life, but I’m still a little hung up on the difference between dreams and ‘stuff I want to do someday.’ I think the ‘stuff I want to do someday’ list could be endless!

  • Swim around WILD dolphins (Don’t even get me started on those horrible ‘swim with a sad caged creature ‘experiences’)
  • Live in someplace other than Maine, and then maybe someplace other than that!
  • Travel to Europe, Thailand, the Philippines, India (maybe), Iceland, the Galapagos (will never happen), the Island where they filmed Jurassic Park (could happen but that boat ride is a DOOZY)
  • Slide down a hill in Switzerland on that little roller coaster thingy!
  • Be less fat
  • Squish grandbabies
  • Have a parrot (Also probably will never happen)
  • Have a Jeep Wrangler
  • Ride bitch with Lonnie on a Harley
  • Sit in those cool recliney seats in first class with the screen in-between so when I annoy Lonnie and his Sudoku too much with my chatter, he can close the screen on me 😀

…..like I said, that list could go on….. and on……..

Dreams seem like they should be BIGGER.

The only “dream” I could come up with is that I would like to write a book someday. This is why I blog. I love to write and cannot wrap my head around the giant task of a whole book. My blog is my half-assed book.

Then there are daydreams. Are those dreams? My most common one (the one I fall asleep to many nights) is Lonnie and I living on a small island as caretakers of a small resort or estate. Catching fish with spears and digging for shellfish to catch our dinner to cook with stuff from our garden 🙂 No internet. Naps in hammocks. Occasional trips to civilization for supplies. :::::sigh:::::

Eat. ____. Love.

It’s blizzahd out there, bub! <<insert Maine accent there>>

Here I sit; In my jammies, drowning in phlegm, with enough Sudafed and Dayquil in me to kill an elephant, but not the aching ringing in my ears.  …..and there goes the internet.  Great.  Now what?

DVDS!  We have lots of those hidden away in a drawer for occasions just like this!

“Eat. Pray. Love.”  Why the hell not?

Watching this movie used to be a full-on EXPERIENCE for me.  I would sit there longing of taking my own journey to find what I was missing.  I would daydream of the places I would go.  The people I would meet.  The new life I would build. I would immerse myself into daydreams and plans for days on end after watching.

Today?  Nothing. I don’t need a journey.  I already took it without even leaving the greater Bangor area.  I just had to realize that I was worth more than I gave myself credit for.  I had to open myself up and accept that I needed to change myself, not just my situation.

P.S. I still can’t meditate or even maintain focus through and entire yoga class.  And I’m ok with that!

Body acceptance AKA Santa

So dusty…..  Time to clean it up and face reality. 

Today I read a post on Emily Nolan’s blog about her decision to lose weight.  This decision is huge because she is a large part of the ‘body-acceptance-love-the-skin-you’re-in’ movement.  I don’t know her entire life history or anything, but I think she is a plus-sized model.  (Ok… maybe my mind just has her grouped in with Ashley Graham, Danika Brysha and assume she is also a model? …but I DO know that she was doing something with Lululemon at some point, so I think I am right. —hey…there is no research team here at Constant Commentary!)  The backlash on these ‘not size 0’ ladies when they lose weight is absolutely disgusting, but…. I get it.  I would never SAY the horrible things that I see people say on their insta-blog-tweet-fbs, but I get it.

As I read her post today, I was annoyed at her talking about her focus on the numbers on the scale and at the same time trying to say that we should not focus on the numbers on the scale.  I was honestly just annoyed in general, so I sat with that for awhile.  WHY was I annoyed? Who the fuck am I to be annoyed?  I think it boils down to 2 things:

 1. These ladies are our champions in a world that tells us every day that we don’t look like we should, so when they jump ship, we feel betrayed.

2. If they are losing weight, then they never really bought into the fact that you can be pretty AND fat, so we cannot buy into it either.  AND If #2 is the truth, we cannot rest easy (aka LAZY) in just saying “I love my curves!” and burying our heads in the sand about our unhealthy bodies.  And THAT ONE, my friends, stings a bit!

Is there really such a thing as body acceptance when you are fat?  I don’t believe there is.  It’s a myth.  Like Santa.  Something us chubby girls love to believe in, but when Christmas Eve comes along, we all know that fat bastard ain’t fittin’ down no chimney.

Sometimes you see things exactly when you need to.  I’ve been going pretty hard at fitness and eating right.  Since I was anti-scale, I have been relying on the fit of my clothes and how I feel, which is GREAT, however, without those black-and-white numbers, it’s easy to get down on yourself when you are “in a mood” and can’t see/feel those intangible improvements.  So after reading and thinking today, I dug out and dusted off my scale and learned that I’ve lost 15 pounds!  …and THAT, folks, is no myth!  🙂

Motivation

Some snaps from the 21-day challenge that I just SLAYED AND TOOK NO PRISONERS!!!

On June 27th I went to the doctor because I was a sicky-sicky and concerned about possible Lyme disease.  Not only was the number on the scale was no bueno, but I also had high blood pressure, which has never been an issue for me (except when I was pregnant).  She suspected that the HBP was due to illness, but said, “Well when we make your appointment for your yearly physical, we will want to check that again and possibly need to start treating it.”  We all know what that means. Drugs.  No, thank you.

I had already been exercising, and trying (<–note the word trying) to eat right, but I left at appointment feeling the need to kick things into gear and get into shape.  Part of my daily motivation was the August 25th appointment for a physical.  I daydream about going in and having a much better scale number and a normal blood pressure.  I daydream about the doctor (who I have never met) saying something about my weight and being able to say, "Well, as you can see, I have lost weight since my last visit here.  I run 3 miles every other day, and I do strength and flexibility training on the other days, so I'm good!"

Today they called and rescheduled my appointment for freaking October!  A tiny part of me feels like I have lost that ‘immediate motivator.’  I was even counting on that appointment to keep me in check during our upcoming trip to Vegas and Dallas since it was 2 days after arriving home.  Just a tiny part though… I have plenty of motivators in my husband, and even moreso the way I FEEL!  I am full of energy and yesterday I suddenly noticed that I had to be more careful shaving my legs because of the definition in my calves LOL!!!! 

I wasn’t going to join this month’s challenge group because we are traveling so much and have a lot going on, but maybe I should.  I may need those daily reminders and motivators.