Body acceptance AKA Santa

So dusty…..  Time to clean it up and face reality. 

Today I read a post on Emily Nolan’s blog about her decision to lose weight.  This decision is huge because she is a large part of the ‘body-acceptance-love-the-skin-you’re-in’ movement.  I don’t know her entire life history or anything, but I think she is a plus-sized model.  (Ok… maybe my mind just has her grouped in with Ashley Graham, Danika Brysha and assume she is also a model? …but I DO know that she was doing something with Lululemon at some point, so I think I am right. —hey…there is no research team here at Constant Commentary!)  The backlash on these ‘not size 0’ ladies when they lose weight is absolutely disgusting, but…. I get it.  I would never SAY the horrible things that I see people say on their insta-blog-tweet-fbs, but I get it.

As I read her post today, I was annoyed at her talking about her focus on the numbers on the scale and at the same time trying to say that we should not focus on the numbers on the scale.  I was honestly just annoyed in general, so I sat with that for awhile.  WHY was I annoyed? Who the fuck am I to be annoyed?  I think it boils down to 2 things:

 1. These ladies are our champions in a world that tells us every day that we don’t look like we should, so when they jump ship, we feel betrayed.

2. If they are losing weight, then they never really bought into the fact that you can be pretty AND fat, so we cannot buy into it either.  AND If #2 is the truth, we cannot rest easy (aka LAZY) in just saying “I love my curves!” and burying our heads in the sand about our unhealthy bodies.  And THAT ONE, my friends, stings a bit!

Is there really such a thing as body acceptance when you are fat?  I don’t believe there is.  It’s a myth.  Like Santa.  Something us chubby girls love to believe in, but when Christmas Eve comes along, we all know that fat bastard ain’t fittin’ down no chimney.

Sometimes you see things exactly when you need to.  I’ve been going pretty hard at fitness and eating right.  Since I was anti-scale, I have been relying on the fit of my clothes and how I feel, which is GREAT, however, without those black-and-white numbers, it’s easy to get down on yourself when you are “in a mood” and can’t see/feel those intangible improvements.  So after reading and thinking today, I dug out and dusted off my scale and learned that I’ve lost 15 pounds!  …and THAT, folks, is no myth!  🙂

Motivation

Some snaps from the 21-day challenge that I just SLAYED AND TOOK NO PRISONERS!!!

On June 27th I went to the doctor because I was a sicky-sicky and concerned about possible Lyme disease.  Not only was the number on the scale was no bueno, but I also had high blood pressure, which has never been an issue for me (except when I was pregnant).  She suspected that the HBP was due to illness, but said, “Well when we make your appointment for your yearly physical, we will want to check that again and possibly need to start treating it.”  We all know what that means. Drugs.  No, thank you.

I had already been exercising, and trying (<–note the word trying) to eat right, but I left at appointment feeling the need to kick things into gear and get into shape.  Part of my daily motivation was the August 25th appointment for a physical.  I daydream about going in and having a much better scale number and a normal blood pressure.  I daydream about the doctor (who I have never met) saying something about my weight and being able to say, "Well, as you can see, I have lost weight since my last visit here.  I run 3 miles every other day, and I do strength and flexibility training on the other days, so I'm good!"

Today they called and rescheduled my appointment for freaking October!  A tiny part of me feels like I have lost that ‘immediate motivator.’  I was even counting on that appointment to keep me in check during our upcoming trip to Vegas and Dallas since it was 2 days after arriving home.  Just a tiny part though… I have plenty of motivators in my husband, and even moreso the way I FEEL!  I am full of energy and yesterday I suddenly noticed that I had to be more careful shaving my legs because of the definition in my calves LOL!!!! 

I wasn’t going to join this month’s challenge group because we are traveling so much and have a lot going on, but maybe I should.  I may need those daily reminders and motivators.

Challenge complete!

So I finished another 3 week challenge.  I did not finish very strong, kinda let the ole PMS derail things.  I also have been under-the-weather the past few days with either the flu or lyme disease. Fantastic.

ANYWAY….

I am still off soda.  I don’t even miss it anymore.
I am am loving water!
I am starting to actually enjoy exercise again… (well except for the past couple days)

BUT….
I went to the doctor today (see above), and got weighed.  It was bad. Really bad. Makes me feel like all these great changes have been for nothing and that sucks.  It’s not like I don’t know why though.  I have been eating a lot of shit.  That dam convenience store down the road is the bane of my existence.  Especially since I am Mrs. Eatsmyfeelings and I am having a lot of feelings to eat lately!

My plan.  Give myself a break until Jessi heads to Richmond at the end of the week, then it’s FUCKING ON!  NO more convenience store. Continuing with working out.  And eating…?? I have no idea.  Should I weight watchers again?  Should I low carb?  Should I go back to the divorce diet of blow pops and only dinner?

Challenge Complete!

Today is day 21 of my 21-day challenge.

I consider it a resounding success even though I did not “GO HARD AND CLEAN” every day.  I have made serious progress towards fitness.

  • I haven’t had soda in over three weeks and I DO NOT MISS it anymore!
  • I am making exercise a priority more often than not.
  • Day One of t25, I thought I was going to die.  Today…. I felt sweaty, and hot, and it was hard, but NO DYING!!
  • I have more energy
  • I am making small good food choices all day long rather than being “all or nothing.”  This is huge for me.  If I have something “bad,”  it’s fine, it’s called LIVING.  I just have something good next time I am hungry.  No more… “Well I ate that cookie, so THIS DAY/WEEK/MONTH is blown, may as well eat ALL THE THINGS!”
  • I am drinking WATER.  Like…. ON PURPOSE!!  And I don’t hate it!

Since I did so well with this challenge, even though I often half-assed it and did not give it my all.  I have joined another that starts tomorrow and plan to really go hard this time witht the exercise.  I would to be back in my old running shape again.  Fucking Timehop taunts me with that body every day!!

Let’s DO THIS!!!

This week’s “selfie” that actually DOES illustrate something!    

Plan:  Hop out of bed at 9am and go for a nice brisk hour-long walk with Luna

Reality: Wake up at 9…ish.  Lay in bed until 10 frigging around with my tablet and waffling back-and-forth about whether or not to walk.

“If I go at 930, I still have time to walk and get back to get ready for work at noon.”
“I could just start tomorrow.”
 
“Even if I go at 10, I still have time.”
 
“If I went at 10:30, I could still get in a half-hour walk.  Maybe I should start there anyway since I am so out-of-shape?”

Sean no likey the selfies 😉

Then I thought about the last line of yesterday’s blog.  “50 pounds to go!”  I don’t want next Sunday’s blog to still say, “50 pounds to go!”  So I JUMPED out of bed before I could change my mind again. THIS is why I blog.

I was GREATLY rewarded for not being a lazy fat-ass.  Sean is on school vacation, and shockingly agreed to join me, so we got in some great mother-son time!  I feel AWESOME!

I set my s-health app for 45 minutes of activity a day.  Not quite ready to pull the trigger on that full hour yet.  Somehow it feels like I am getting away with something naughty, and for some reason, I need that.  I’m just weird that way. 😉  

New trip…. New goal.

We have an exciting new trip on the very distant horizon.  We are all super excited about it!!  And then…..

WA
WA
WAAAAA

I start researching our little mini-trip adventures and one of the ones that I am most excited about has a weight limit.  And I am 50 pounds over.  That is a lot of weight to lose.  FORTUNATELY, I have eleven months to do it.  UNFORTUNATELY, based on past experience, I lack confidence that I can do this.

I took the weekend to wallow in self-pity.  Then we went for a walk in the city forest, and I realized just how out-of-shape I am, and so then I wallowed in self-pity some more.  Not quite done with the wallowing, but tomorrow I plan to SPRING out of bed and get a good walk in before work.  Putting couch25k on the back-burner for now and am just going to walk walk walk walk walk walk……..

50 pounds to go……

Mind Blown

Last week I heard a Dr. Laura call from a woman who was unable to make decisions or choices.  After much discussion it was established that “So you lost your childhood and now you are trying to get it back every day by not making decisions and forcing other’s to make decisions for you.  ‘Child’ you didn’t feel protected and cared for, and ‘adult’ you is making up for it by forcing others to care for you…. make decisions for you, basically treat you like the child that you never got to be.”  My mind was 3/4s blown, with parallels still running through my mind almost a week later.

The FULL BLOW came while Lonnie and I were shopping at BJs (haha!).  I noticed the iced tea drink mix stuff and confessed to Lonnie that as a kid I used to sneak into the kitchen put some of the powder in a cup, make a paste out of it with water, and take it back up to my room and slowly savor revel in the joy of every little spoonful.  My mouth is actually watering as I type this.  Of course he was disgusted by this confectionary confession, and while laughing and trying to convince him of it’s deliciousness, I said, “NO!!!  It’s REALLY GOOD!  It tastes just like Lemonheads or Sour Patch Kids!!!  With the sour and the grainy sugary-ness…..” 

I stopped dead in the aisle,  stunned at what I had just said.  Lonnie noticed within a few steps and turned around to see me standing there with my fully-blown mind and quizzically looked at me.  “OH. MY. GOD.  IT TASTES JUST LIKE SOUR PATCH KIDS!!!!”

I eat a LOT of Sour Patch Kids.  Like, a LOT.  I have them 6 of 7 days a week, sometimes the full 7, maybe sometimes 9.  My favorite part of the day is laying on the couch snuggled up on Lonnie, digging through my bag of Sour Patch Kids to avoid the blue ones (yuck).  I always eat 2 at a time and certain color combos taste better than others. Green ONLY goes with other green or yellow!  😉

This happened on Friday and I haven’t had any Sour Patch Kids since.  When I think about going to get some (just out of habit), my stomach votes ‘no’ and now my mind goes right to, “Well what is making you want those right now???”

This is by NO MEANS a declarative ‘I AM NEVER EATING SOUR PATCH KIDS AGAIN’ blog post.  That’s just crazy talk.  What this IS, is a ‘WHOA!  I AM DOING A DUMB THING FOR A DUMB, BUT UNDERSTANDABLE REASON!!!’ blog post.