|Instead if the “weekly shows nothing selfie,
Here is one that actually does show something.
And you know what? I don’t even hate it.
We’ve taken a few days off. Not completely off, but a bit relaxed. We had some cake for Sean’s birthday. And Sean requested birthday lasagna as well. Damn my lasagna is good. I did do some little things to create the illusion of control …like make a smaller pan of lasagna. And other than those things over the weekend, I stayed away from sugar. Including that Easter candy that continues to linger around the house.
Then yesterday I continued to be “off it” a bit. I had a busy day and not-gonna-lie, the second I went out the door, I knew I was going to use my business as an excuse to have my favorite McDonald’s meal —even though I easily could have made a better choice. Verruca (and Ms. PMS) wanted it…. and Colleen gave in. Then when I got home from work, there were 2 pieces of cake left and I did my old… “Well… I already had McDonald’s…. may as well have a piece and get it out of here……”
Blogging this morning felt essential to get myself back on track before going completely off the rails again like we did after vacation.
BY THE WAY!!! the “getting up at 9am every day thing” has been FANTASTIC!! There had been a few days where I have fought it a bit, but Lonnie relentlessly texted and called me to make sure I got up. I can’t believe how much more shit I have gotten done because I just have so much more time and FELT like it!!! It’s already become a bit of a habit, as this morning, I did NOT want to get up, but was WIDE awake and ended up getting up since I couldn’t force myself to go back to sleep. So…. WINNING!!!
|Weekly coffee selfie… new diningroom location!
It was a long day but I made it through. Lonnie and I both came close to giving in when Sean came home with so, so much candy and was like a crack dealer trying to share it with us. But we stood strong. I kept thinking, “Well it’s not like I am not going to have sugar at some point, why not on a holiday?” and wondering if perhaps this torturing myself was just hollowing out a hole in my brain and I am eventually just going to go batshit crazy and EAT ALL THE THINGS to attempt to fill it up. the funny thing is, at one point Lonnie said, “Just go ahead, pick like 4 pieces and keep it to that.”
- :::insert spoiled voice::: I don’t WANT 4 stupid pieces. I want 104.
- I couldn’t even think of which 4 I would choose, honestly, none of them appealed to me– which told me that it wasn’t really the candy itself that I wanted, it was Veruca (that spoiled little girl!), being told no and throwing a tantrum.
- :::alert–this is the twisted one::: I spend a good part of the day bitching and pouting and threatening to eat the candy to Lonnie. It wasn’t til the evening when he caught on to my shenanigans, had had enough, and finally said, “Go ahead. Eat whatever you want, but I am not going to.” The wanting was instantly gone because I wasn’t getting the negative attention from him anymore.
IT’S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD!!
As I filled many little fake plastic eggs for my way-too-old-for-this children (one of which is 20), it was not lost on me that perhaps since I know that sugar is poison and really has no place in a healthy lifestyle, that I should not feed copious amounts of it to my kids on holidays. Particularly since my son definitely has a penchant to overdo. We recently stopped buying cereal after numerous warnings to him about the 1/4-1/2 cup of sugar we kept catching him adding to it. I have no illusions that at 14 years old, I am going to convince him to not eat sugar all the time. But I CAN control what he eats at home with us!
As I filled many little fake plastic eggs for my way-too-old-for-this children (one of which is 20), I had SEVERAL moments of weakness. The first of which was at Target when I was going to get the kids Peeps for their baskets with the sole purpose of my getting to eat some. The Peeps stayed in the cart for about 3 minutes and then went back on the shelf. This shit is not easy. My brain is a battlefield of;
“Maybe just a few pieces…”
“Maybe we should just take the weekend off and start back on Monday….”
“Wow, some of those m&ms in the microwave would be just perfect……”
I did not give in to the spoiled little girl inside that wants what she wants when she wants it!!! And I won’t today either.
And WHY not? Because I FEEL GOOD DAMNIT and I want to KEEP feeling good!
Remember when I said that when coming back from vacation it would be hard to get back “on it.” Holy Shit– has is ever!??
I’m a mess.
I can blame that I just started grad school.
I can blame that my work schedule has just changed.
I can blame… well… it’s winter…. it’s this… it’s that….. blah blah blah
None of those excuses are actual things that have prevented me from eating well. None of them. What HAS prevented me from eating well. I don’t want to. I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to plan. I don’t want o grocery shop
I feel gross. I feel bloaty and fat and my clothes feel tight. Lonnie has gained weight too, and because he only gains weight in his belly, it shows quickly and makes him feel gross. We need to get our shit together. ASAP.
How do you get that driven feeling back once it disappears!!?? I don’t even want to grocery shop for the “good healthy foods” because well…. probably because part of me knows that I am just going to waste it and part of me knows that if I buy it, then I should get back on it and I DON’T WANNA!!
Last week I heard a Dr. Laura call from a woman who was unable to make decisions or choices. After much discussion it was established that “So you lost your childhood and now you are trying to get it back every day by not making decisions and forcing other’s to make decisions for you. ‘Child’ you didn’t feel protected and cared for, and ‘adult’ you is making up for it by forcing others to care for you…. make decisions for you, basically treat you like the child that you never got to be.” My mind was 3/4s blown, with parallels still running through my mind almost a week later.
The FULL BLOW came while Lonnie and I were shopping at BJs (haha!). I noticed the iced tea drink mix stuff and confessed to Lonnie that as a kid I used to sneak into the kitchen put some of the powder in a cup, make a paste out of it with water, and take it back up to my room and slowly savor revel in the joy of every little spoonful. My mouth is actually watering as I type this. Of course he was disgusted by this confectionary confession, and while laughing and trying to convince him of it’s deliciousness, I said, “NO!!! It’s REALLY GOOD! It tastes just like Lemonheads or Sour Patch Kids!!! With the sour and the grainy sugary-ness…..”
I stopped dead in the aisle, stunned at what I had just said. Lonnie noticed within a few steps and turned around to see me standing there with my fully-blown mind and quizzically looked at me. “OH. MY. GOD. IT TASTES JUST LIKE SOUR PATCH KIDS!!!!”
I eat a LOT of Sour Patch Kids. Like, a LOT. I have them 6 of 7 days a week, sometimes the full 7, maybe sometimes 9. My favorite part of the day is laying on the couch snuggled up on Lonnie, digging through my bag of Sour Patch Kids to avoid the blue ones (yuck). I always eat 2 at a time and certain color combos taste better than others. Green ONLY goes with other green or yellow! 😉
This happened on Friday and I haven’t had any Sour Patch Kids since. When I think about going to get some (just out of habit), my stomach votes ‘no’ and now my mind goes right to, “Well what is making you want those right now???”
This is by NO MEANS a declarative ‘I AM NEVER EATING SOUR PATCH KIDS AGAIN’ blog post. That’s just crazy talk. What this IS, is a ‘WHOA! I AM DOING A DUMB THING FOR A DUMB, BUT UNDERSTANDABLE REASON!!!’ blog post.
Being an emotional eater sucks. Being an emotional eater at “that time the month” when you are highly emotional anyway and have cravings for things like cheez-it’s and sugar cereal and sour patch kids and Ben and Jerry’s coffee Heath bar crunch sucks extra super hard. Being an emotional eater when you are chomping at the bit for the love-of-your-life to move in with you and it’s just days away… But it’s not here yet and tonight you are alone… Extra alone because your kids are at their Dad’s house… Extra extra super sucks.
I came home and ate half a box of cheez it’s and then attacked a box of frosted flakes. I went over my calories by 263. Damn. I was then feeling my typical “oh well this day is blown, I may as well eat whatever.” I was also trying to talk myself into going out for a walk or a run but feeling very lazy and tired…another of those wonderful things about pms ;-). As I sat here arguing with myself…. Enter Butters (my brother’s dog)whining and dancing around wanting to go out… WELL… If I have to take him out anyway… I may as well take the little jerk for a nice long walk and cancel out my emotional binge!! So I took a 361 calorie walk and now have 97 left!! YAY ME!
I wrote this blog tonight to help me to not come home and ruin my success. Not gonna lie… I did have a brief moment of… “Well I already was over before and resigned myself to it… Maybe I should go for the sour patch kids in the name of pms….”
Not. Gonna. Do. It!!!!!