Let’s talk about cookies.

I’m sad and sulking. Lonnie is working the overnight shift tonight 7pm to 730am, and he did last night too. This is a VERY new thing that is going to take some serious getting used to. Pre Phit-n-phat, I would be at least 2 glasses of wine in, and I would have a bag of combos on one side of me and a bag of sour patch kids on the other.  I would happily, mindlessly sip-n-snack the evening away.  (side note: my mouth is LITERALLY watering right now.)

20180928_1845353168245248560510295.jpgI didn’t put wine, or sour patch kids, or combos on my plan I wrote this morning. So I won’t have them. What WILL be going on my plan this weekend, and I WILL be having is COOKIES!!  Something reminded me of Nestle ‘break and bake’ chocolate chip cookies that were filled with peanut butter they used to sell. I think they were discontinued years ago. They were SO. DAMN. GOOD. Ooey and gooey. Chewy and chocolately. Sweet and Salty. And let’s not forget peanutbuttery.

So I am trying to find a way to make them. Nicole suggested freezing a little block of peanut butter and wrapping the dough around. A solid idea, but I think the cold will slow the baking down and the cookies would dry out before the dough melted.

Screenshot 2018-09-28 at 6.56.06 PM.pngThen I found a recipe for chocolate peanut butter filled cookies. It suggests mixing the peanut butter with powdered sugar and rolling it into balls to wrap the dough around. Will it be too sweet?

You know what!? I’m going to try it both ways!  And any other ways I stumble upon….

You know what else!? Wine is going on my plan for tomorrow 😉

Lazy weekend

I worked overnight Thursday and Friday, and even though I was able to get plenty of sleep, I still used it as an excuse to eat ALL THE CARBS and accomplish nothing all weekend long 😉  And I am good with that!

I just looked at the weather and it looks like this is the week I will finally get back outside and work my way back into running.  I got me some AWESOME Newton’s fer cheap at Marden’s over the winter and they are ready to hit the pavement! I have such illusions of it being fun and great to be back out running, but I know that it won’t be.  I will probably hate every second of it… until the last second when I feel GREAT that I DID IT!

Mind Blown

Last week I heard a Dr. Laura call from a woman who was unable to make decisions or choices.  After much discussion it was established that “So you lost your childhood and now you are trying to get it back every day by not making decisions and forcing other’s to make decisions for you.  ‘Child’ you didn’t feel protected and cared for, and ‘adult’ you is making up for it by forcing others to care for you…. make decisions for you, basically treat you like the child that you never got to be.”  My mind was 3/4s blown, with parallels still running through my mind almost a week later.

The FULL BLOW came while Lonnie and I were shopping at BJs (haha!).  I noticed the iced tea drink mix stuff and confessed to Lonnie that as a kid I used to sneak into the kitchen put some of the powder in a cup, make a paste out of it with water, and take it back up to my room and slowly savor revel in the joy of every little spoonful.  My mouth is actually watering as I type this.  Of course he was disgusted by this confectionary confession, and while laughing and trying to convince him of it’s deliciousness, I said, “NO!!!  It’s REALLY GOOD!  It tastes just like Lemonheads or Sour Patch Kids!!!  With the sour and the grainy sugary-ness…..” 

I stopped dead in the aisle,  stunned at what I had just said.  Lonnie noticed within a few steps and turned around to see me standing there with my fully-blown mind and quizzically looked at me.  “OH. MY. GOD.  IT TASTES JUST LIKE SOUR PATCH KIDS!!!!”

I eat a LOT of Sour Patch Kids.  Like, a LOT.  I have them 6 of 7 days a week, sometimes the full 7, maybe sometimes 9.  My favorite part of the day is laying on the couch snuggled up on Lonnie, digging through my bag of Sour Patch Kids to avoid the blue ones (yuck).  I always eat 2 at a time and certain color combos taste better than others. Green ONLY goes with other green or yellow!  😉

This happened on Friday and I haven’t had any Sour Patch Kids since.  When I think about going to get some (just out of habit), my stomach votes ‘no’ and now my mind goes right to, “Well what is making you want those right now???”

This is by NO MEANS a declarative ‘I AM NEVER EATING SOUR PATCH KIDS AGAIN’ blog post.  That’s just crazy talk.  What this IS, is a ‘WHOA!  I AM DOING A DUMB THING FOR A DUMB, BUT UNDERSTANDABLE REASON!!!’ blog post.  

BRING ME SOME GODDAMN SNACKS!!!

Usually when I have not blogged in a bit, it’s because I have fallen off the wagon and just don’t want to face that in font.  Today I come back to blogging after a little break still fully entrenched in my weight loss endeavor.  I have even started running again.  Lonnie and I are fast tracking ourselves through Couch to 5k.  We are and doing three run days in a row (which is week in the program), then taking a one day break, then starting another 3 days.  I assume we will hit a road block around week 5 or 6 where we will need to repeat some days, but maybe not!  It’s going well, and even though we are in the midst of a stifling heat/humidity wave, I have been able to easily complete the run segments.  This is not to say I am skipping out there with a giant smile on my face though  😉 

This summer has been a GIANT exercise in self-control and learning to find outlets for my emotions that don’t involve snacks.   We had some family drama that sadly had to result in my ending some relationships that meant a lot to me in order to protect myself.  I still think about that whole thing constantly and it’s definitely still a raw spot.  There has also been a LOT of boredom and frustration sharing a car with Jessi who has been working like a fiend all summer long to buy herself a car. I have been stuck at home car-less almost every day.  I haaaaaate feeling trapped!!!  With all of those triggers though, I must say, I am freaking killing it!  Having the Weight Watchers app… and a very black-and-white husband…  to keep me accountable has been a huge tool for keeping me on track when I just want to throw my arms up in the air and say, “FUCK THIS SHIT…. BRING ME SOME GODDAMN SNACKS!!!”
BUT…. one stressor has now resolved itself… 

I am soooooo proud of her!  She knew that she did not want a car payment while in college and worked her ass off and saved all her money this summer to buy herself a car outright.  While we are not exactly supporters of her Jetta obsession (and I suspect she won’t be either once something breaks and she gets that repair bill 😉 ), we are delighted that she is so happy and got exactly what she wanted!

And I. AM. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Instant gratification

My life long enemy.

I want it and I want it now and if I can’t have it now that I don’t fucking want it I want something else instead.

Yes, I am a 2 year old pirate in a 41 year old body.

I tend to embrace most of my “faults” and don’t try to change them because they are part of who I am, and I like me!  But this one… this inability to wait for things… is something that I need to work on if I want to like me EVEN MORE!

Weight Watchers has been a HUGE lesson in this.  Many days I feel like it is not working.  This is completely asinine as I have lost weight every week except one (and that one I can blame on hormones!).  This morning was my seventh weigh-in and as of today I have lost 14 pounds.  That is not, “not working.”  That is ‘slow and steady wins the race.’  I hate ‘slow and steady wins the race.’  I like “GO GO GO aaaaaaannnnnnnd DONE!!!”

Running… another lesson.  I love me some running.  I feel awesome physically and mentally when I am running.  (ok… mostly right AFTER the running LOL)  But I am a fat chick, so I can’t just jump off my steps and run 3 miles.  I hate that.  I am up to week 4 of couch to 5k and it was going very well, until I twisted my knee (not even running… just STANDING!), and had to take a week off.  I wanted to run anyway and just deal with it, but I told myself daily, “Don’t be fool.  If you want to run, you have to wait this out or you will ruin yourself and running will not even be an option.”  Setbacks are about the worst thing in the world next to that ‘slow and steady wins the race’ bullshit.

Irrational disappointment

I have lost 2.6 pounds since I started Weight Watchers.  Woo Fucking Hoo. 

In the past when I have started a diet, the first week was the BEST!!  I would lose 5-7 pounds right out the gate and it would have me SINGING!!

Apparently once you are “fortysomething” that is no longer a thing. 

Here is what I am telling myself….

“HEY!!  This is WAY better!  I am taking this seriously and working hard and not cheating at all.  This slow steady weight loss is exactly what you need for several reasons.

1.  You need to take it slow to give you time to learn HOW TO EAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.  To eat normally even when you are bored, sad, excited, nervous, bored, bored, or bored.

2.  Slower weight loss hopefully means no loose skin.  That shit is nasty.  And I have no secret skin surgery bank account, nor is some celebrity going to pop out of my wall and offer to pay for it.

3. You are treating this time differently.  You are not just focused on the end result, but instead are focused on the learning to change and the experience of it all.  You are focusing on how you feel about yourself and not what the scale says.”

Here is what I am also telling myself.

“This fucking sucks.  1.3 pounds a week!??  SUPER!!!!  I should be reaching my goals about the same time I check into a nursing home.  Stupid Weight Watchers.  Stupid ME. Stupid. Stupid…. EVERYTHING!!!”

So yeah.  It’s crazytown over here, but that is not a new thing 🙂  It really is going VERY well.  Having Lonnie doing it with me is a HUGE help for times when I get feeling really ‘eaty.’  Since he knows how the plan works and is part of it all, he knows exactly when it’s time to cheer me on, tell me to go ahead and have a snacky, or ask me what is going on and why I am being train-wrecky.

In related news, I am also still plugging away at getting back to being able to run 3 miles without walking.  I am in week 3 of the couch to 5k program and yesterday’s run was awesome!! It was raining, I left my hair down, and I just felt like a wild beasty badass.  And the run was EASY! Like when it was cool-down time, I was like, “Really???  Already??”

In other related news.  I think if you have a fitbit and you have it connected to your weight loss account, whether it be weight watchers, or My Fitness Pal, or whatever…. you are kind of screwing yourself over.  Sometimes I get credited with activity points because of how many steps I have taken, but I haven’t really done any more than I would have on a normal day. 

Or no?

I was so NOT back at it again.  Well maybe for a couple days I was.  OK.  I am not giving myself enough credit.  I was at it, many days, but I was also not at it for many days. 😉

I have done a lot of soul searching and thinking about WHY I am this way.  And I think I have it broken down to this

60% boredom/tv/couch eating
10% grabbing food to eat during work shifts (I’ll have a #2 with cheezburgers plain please.”) (And this one is only 10% because of my weird work schedule, it only happens once, or twice, a week, tops)
20% large portions and “seconds” at dinnertime.  Lonnie and I are both DAMN good cooks.
10% inactivity

So… with that all in mind, I decided to give Weight Watchers another go.  Tracking my food and how much I am eating is really what I need to learn in order to ever make a big change.  I know I can do it free with my fitness pal, but I want to pay for it to add another level of accountability.  I am also working out a way to build in a reward system… and I am certain it will involve tattoos!

Back at it…. again.

https://www.pinterest.com/colleenj74/low-carby-carbpaleohhh/

Sean had a timeline project a couple weeks ago and he and I went through my blog together (my old blog and this new one) to gather photos to add to the timeline and to refresh our memories about exact dates of events.  It was quite an afternoon of reminiscing, the good stuff (vacations, shooting his first deer, new puppies!), and the not-so-good stuff (deaths, divorce, moves).  One thing I have mixed feelings about is my never-ending weight loss struggle.  One the one hand, it’s YAY FOR ME…I never give up!!  But on the other hand, I am the basically the same as I was when I started blogging in 2006, so all the diets, exercise, etc. really did…. well… nothing?  Thaaaaat’s kind of depressing.

BUT…..

My body and my mind just feel so much better when I am sticking to a low carb diet.  I feel in control of things.  I don’t ever feel bloaty.  I feel lighter.  I don’t binge.  I eat when I am hungry… and am more cognizant of when I am eating when I am NOT hungry.  I think this is because it is so hard to find low carb foods to mindlessly graze/binge on.  Most take preparation, and most are quite filling.  I find myself in the kitchen just searching and searching through the fridge, the cabinet, the pantry, back to the fridge for “something” that I can eat… but although they are all stocked well with low carb foods, I want none of that…. a few minutes of this usually snaps me into realizing that I am not actually hungry…. I am just WANTING.

The first few days of low carbing are always rough.  Yesterday was no exception. There was a lot of whining.  A lot of complaining.  A lot of “WHY CAN’T I JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON WHO JUST EATS NORMALLY AND DOESN’T GET GIGANTIC!????”  At one point last night Lonnie finally said, “JUST GO FREAKIN’ EAT SOMETHING…. you are a mess!”  (Which actually snapped me out of it and I went and made a low carb snack.)

Things that help me get through the rough beginning…
-BTDT and know it will end soon
-looking for low carb recipes
-the support of my husband who is right there in the trenches with me!
-BLOGGING!
-keeping the kitchen picked up (low carb gets messy because of all the food prep, and if there is clutter everywhere, it’s too easy to say ‘Fuck this… I’m just having a peanut butter and honey sammich!”

I have also started running again and I LOVE THAT!!!  It is part of why I decided it was time to get back to eating right so that I feel better and lighter and FASTER!

So while chances are good that in 2022 I will look exactly like I do today.  I will keep on keepin’ on… because why the hell not!?

Still not killin’ it

Feeling like a slug.  I haven’t even gone to the gym at all this week.

Maine is just so gross this time of year.  All I want to do is snuggle and be cozy and sleepy.  I believe there are those that call it “SAD: seasonal affective disorder” ….but I put that in the same category with my RLS.  Except even less so since while I am NOT doing so…. there are plenty of things I COULD be doing to make the blues disappear… like take care of myself and NOT spend the afternoon on the couch eating doritos (Which I totally justified by “putting them in a bowl” and not eating out of the bag.) while watching 36 episodes of ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ and ‘Something Borrowed, Something New.

I am actually not beating myself up about it though, which is a change.  I know I am in a little rut… and I know that it will pass.  I can actually already feel it passing since last night I was drawn to lots of healthy recipes on Pinterest that I can’t wait to eat.  I have learned to TRUST MYSELF!  Our bodies REALLY DO begin to crave health.  We just have to listen!