I am a 40 something (yikers!) year old divorced, and then re-married, mom of two, Sean and Jessi. A lot of my blog is focused on my struggle with my weight. Another lot of my blog is focused on my journey to better myself in other aspects of my life. I spent the first half of my life angry and bitter, with big splashes of fun to hold it together. In this half, I've kept the fun and put in the work on myself to kiss the angry, bitter bitch goodbye!
I have been blogging since 2006ish on my on Porchrockers blogger blog. I love blogging and I loved that blog, but my life has changed so much that it just didn't fit me anymore so I created a shiny new blog to match my shiny new life!
One of the things I practice these days is what Phit n’ Phat calls, “staying within the 2’s.” See that chart over there? It’s a magical chart that tells you in .002 seconds if you are actually hungry or if you’re eating for another reason. It’s not as easy as it sounds and takes practice, practice, practice. And that’s fine… I’ve got LOTS of time since I’m pretty sure I’ll be eating for at least a few more years 😉
The “easy” part is waiting to eat when you are actually hungry. The challenge is stopping at +2 and tossing out or putting away the rest of the food. I’ve been at this for 6ish months and this is still what goes on in my brain when I am practicing…
“I am definitely hungry… I think. No, I def am. :::Makes a salad::: OMG my mouth is literally watering this looks so good- WAIT that’s one of the signs I’m supposed to look for! Ok 2 bites in; I should start watching for +2. There’s usually a ‘sigh.’ Was that a sigh or just a deep breath? Was that a sigh? Did I sigh because I am thinking about sighing or because I’m satisfied? Are sighs like yawns? Great now I’m yawning. Whelp- salad is gone. I don’t feel stuffed or full, but I’m not hungry anymore. WAIT– this is it! This is the +2! But would I have found it if I had made a bigger salad…… “
Where: Burlington Coat Factory Me: Hmmm….I don’t know… You don’t think it’s a little too much? Lonnie: No more than you. It’s perfect! You’re getting it. Me: Ok RUDE. But you’re not wrong. OK let’s get it!
I am READY!
I’ve got my boujee coat that’s comfy and warm AF!
I’ve got my super cute boots. ALSO warm AF… and I can’t BELIEVE how comfy they are! We went for a late night walk in the snow the other night and my feet were so, so happy! As was my wallet because I got them at the outlet AND for 40% off!
I’ve got my little light therapy lamp. 5am. 30 minutes while I journal and sip my coffee. No winter blues for this bitch!
Despite (or because of) spending a good part of my life surrounded by hunters, I have always been a teensy bit of an anti-hunter. You know… Bambi and all that jazz. Hunting also was a sticky spot in my first marriage because it took precedence over all things.
But I recently had an aha moment.
About a month ago Sean watched Food Inc. at school and came home asking if we could start buying more ethically sourced meat. We had had already looking into it, but haven’t jumped in because of the increased cost and hassle involved.
I got lots of great farm leads from Facebook friends, including a great pig farm in Winterport that just lets the pigs roam around and do their pig things until it’s time for them to become dinner. While looking at their Facebook page (Souder Station Farm), I thought ‘What a great life they have! If only all the meat I eat could be living it’s best life until it’s time for it to become my dinner! WAIT. HOLY SHIT. That’s exactly what hunting is. OH MY GOD I’M SUCH AN ASSHOLE for hating on it all these years!’ Meat from a hunt is the actual, literal definition of “free-range meat.”
I can’t believe I never thought about it that way before. I think about all the anti-hunters out there that eat meat from the grocery store and restaurants giving no thought to those animals being brutally tortured from birth through death. A lifetime of stress and pain (aka hormones) saturated into their muscles. And then into our own when we ingest it and continue the cycle.
Last night I said, “Honey…..” and my daughter said, “What?” I replied, “Not you, honey; Lonnie honey.” She said, “I know, I was just kidding. You have a very specific Lonnie voice.” My gut reaction was a feeling of awkward, indignant embarrassment. 1. That I am so predictable and 2. That I have a ‘Lonnie voice’ and other people notice.
Fortunately, I am a MASTER at thought replacement because of all the self-help podcasts and books I listen to.
And you can be too! I responded within 2 seconds with a giggle and a smile and, “I know I do!” Our brains are AMAZING. Within those 2 seconds, the following conversation happened inside my head.
“WOAH…. I’m having a negative emotion about that! What’s that about? Why does it bother me that she pointed that out? Oh. I know why? Because for most of my life I was a ‘tough guy’ and equated snarky and sarcastic with being cool and strong, but I’m past that now and I am trying to live my life modeling love, especially for the kids because I was such a terrible role model for them with their father. I KNOW I have a ‘Lonnie voice’ because I want him to know I love and care about him with every word I say, and because I feel happy just talking to him and it comes out in my voice! I want everyone in the world, ESPECIALLY Jessi and Sean, to have a special person who brings out a special voice in them too! So I’m gonna OWN AND ROCK THAT SHIT!!!”
One way I worked on this issue was to recognize when I was having a negative reaction to people displaying love by rolling my eyes or thinking, “OMG GET A ROOM,” or “gag me with a credit card and put me on layaway.” or the puke emoji. I decided every time I caught myself doing this, I would stop myself and replace the thought with a smile and “Aw. I love love. They look happy and the more happy people in the world, the better!” (even if I didn’t really feel that way yet as I knew I was a ‘lover of love’-in-training) The smile is important. Saying it all out loud is even better. When you accompany your thoughts with physical actions, your brain locks that shit in! With years of practice, my instant, involuntary response to people kissing, holding hands, or taking couple selfies, is now a smile and a feeling a happiness.
I’m sad and sulking. Lonnie is working the overnight shift tonight 7pm to 730am, and he did last night too. This is a VERY new thing that is going to take some serious getting used to. Pre Phit-n-phat, I would be at least 2 glasses of wine in, and I would have a bag of combos on one side of me and a bag of sour patch kids on the other. I would happily, mindlessly sip-n-snack the evening away. (side note: my mouth is LITERALLY watering right now.)
I didn’t put wine, or sour patch kids, or combos on my plan I wrote this morning. So I won’t have them. What WILL be going on my plan this weekend, and I WILL be having is COOKIES!! Something reminded me of Nestle ‘break and bake’ chocolate chip cookies that were filled with peanut butter they used to sell. I think they were discontinued years ago. They were SO. DAMN. GOOD. Ooey and gooey. Chewy and chocolately. Sweet and Salty. And let’s not forget peanutbuttery.
So I am trying to find a way to make them. Nicole suggested freezing a little block of peanut butter and wrapping the dough around. A solid idea, but I think the cold will slow the baking down and the cookies would dry out before the dough melted.
Then I found a recipe for chocolate peanut butter filled cookies. It suggests mixing the peanut butter with powdered sugar and rolling it into balls to wrap the dough around. Will it be too sweet?
You know what!? I’m going to try it both ways! And any other ways I stumble upon….
You know what else!? Wine is going on my plan for tomorrow 😉
“Gross. I don’t come here to see big fat asses jiggling around,” pixie-of-a-girl said loudly to her friend at the gym, ensuring said fat-assed woman would hear.
“Oh my god, I wish I could wear a shirt like that. I would never feel comfortable with my arms out like that,” said to me when I posted a post-workout photo in my favorite fun tank top. (Note: I didn’t take this as her suggesting anything was wrong with MY arms, but I was sad she felt so badly about her own.)
“I want to walk, but I don’t want the whole neighborhood to see me out walking because I’m embarrassed.” said by so many. Too many. swap out ‘walk’ for ‘gym’ and there are umpteen more.
These posts make me so sad. And angry. This morning I was jogging down Route 1a (aka Main Street), thinking about these posts, and then crafting this blog in my head. A social-worker-at-heart; I want to help everyone. I want to find out what the pixie girl has gone through to make her behave so cruelly. I want to force every fat chick in the world to wear cute, funny tank tops until they don’t give their arms a second thought. I want to teach people who are embarrassed to exercise to NOT GIVE A FUCK about what other people are thinking!
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ASSHOLES!
Pixiegirl McFatshamer’s life brought to a place where she thinks it’s ok, and maybe even FUNNY, to be nasty. Her behavior has NOTHING to do with you. She has a black spot in her heart that needs healing. That’s HER issue; NOT yours. Think about it this way… You own a company. Fatchick McWorkout and Pixie McFatshamer are applying for jobs. Who do you hire? Fatchick McWorkout and Pixie McFatshamer are standing in the Karma or Heaven or whateveryoubelieve line: Who is getting promoted or heavened or whatever?
It is not lost on me as I jog down 1A that some of the people driving past me are having nasty thoughts, laughing at me with their friends, or making snarky comments. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. It is also not lost on me that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, one person will see my fat ass jiggling along and my eyes black-and-blue because my “good jog bra” was in the wash today, and think, “Wow…. if she can do it, maybe I can too!” And that makes me happy 🙂
A couple things my guru, Corinne Crabtree, preaches are coming into play hardcore this lately.
If you want to make a big LASTING change, you have to make several micro-changes to head you down that road.
Stop shoulding on yourself. (Say it out loud. It’s fun!) (Here’s a link to one of her podcasts focused on shoulding, but she talks about it a lot!)
I want to get up and exercise before work a couple days a week because of my busier schedule does not allow me time to get exercise in after work/school/internship. I put it on my schedule last week twice and it didn’t happen. Wednesday morning the air was delightfully cold and dry and my husband was delightfully warm and snuggly. Yesterday, I just plain didn’t want to get up- and I had a headache. In review, I see super-early-A.M. exercise doesn’t belong on my plan yet until I have practiced getting up at 5:30am. By putting it on my schedule, I am setting myself up for failure and telling myself I don’t have to follow my own schedule. I have spent my entire life quitting on myself and teaching myself how to quit on myself by setting myself up for failure and accepting failure as the truth of who I am. Someone who starts things. Lots of things. So many things. Sad. (<— hahaha @ me channeling my inner Trump).
Back to early morning exercise. I have already made several of the micro-changes needed to get me to this goal…
I don’t stay up late anymore
I get up pretty early now already (just not 5:30ish ) in comparison to 2 years ago me who sometimes slept until I had to work at noon. NOON!
I’ve made exercise part of daily life. I decided long ago on a daily minimum of 15 minutes. Literally everyone has 15 minutes to do SOMETHING- even if bedtime has rolled up on ya… you can do 15 minutes of bedtime yoga. 15 minutes may not seem like much, but 1. 90% of the time I go much longer and 2. 15 minutes is better than zero minutes. 3. Doing this has created a solid foundation for me to build on.
One thing I know Corinne would recommend is an accountability partner. I am fighting this one because, well, shit. I guess because I don’t want to really do it. Damnit. As I type this out, I guess I need to find one. BUT HERE ARE MY GREAT EXCUSES NOT TO….
I don’t like people. Especially new people. I’m in Corinne’s facebook group and because she did a recent talk on accountability partners, they are all posting asking for partners and stuff and I am like….EW. NO NEW PEOPLE! WHAT IF THEY ARE NEEDY AND WANT TO BE, LIKE…. FRIENDS!!??? GROSS! LOL
I don’t keep my phone in my room at night, so having someone that texts or calls me at 5:30 isn’t going to work.
I am barely responsible for my own shit, let alone someone else’s!
I have Lonnie. (However… you read above and saw how well that has worked out so far)
I just texted my bff Nicole. I think she does morning shit. Is that cheating? Should I be broadening my horizons with that whole ‘new people’ thing? Hmmmm…….
So this week’s plan: Get up at 5:30 every day. Not putting the early morning exercise on the plan this week, but if I feel like it, I’ll do it. But as long as I get up… I’m showing up for myself!
….and here it is. I’ve reached the practicum/field experience/internship stage of the MSW program. As of Saturday morning, I officially have no life outside of work, classes, and my practicum placement. OK; that’s dramatic and not even true. And a bad attitude. Let’s try that again. As of Saturday, I will have less free time and need to put a bit more focus into organization and time management so I can enjoy the free time I DO have! THERE! Much better! For real though… looking at my calendar makes my heart race a little. I have carefully crafted my schedule to at least have Sundays free for family time, because they are my top priority!
I’m definitely scared and worried– partially because there is still a lot up in the air, but I also know I’ve got this. Lonnie is supportive. Sean seems to have his shit together. Jessi doesn’t even live around here 😉 And I feel good about at least having Sundays reserved for them. My biggest worry is working all my new healthy habits into this new busy lifestyle. I am kicking ass and taking names and I don’t want to throw away all I have learned. And I’ve not going to. MARK MY WORDS!
Taboo subject alert: We have had several discussions about re-homing Piper over the past couple years. In fact, a few weeks ago we even began to put out feelers for amazing humans living in amazing situations with yards and kids and dogs and lakes where she could be her amazing self. Then we began to have lots of feels. …,.which to be honest, is quite uncharacteristic for me. I love dogs! BUT I am not one of those people who goes on vacation and sits around missing my dog. I do not call my dogs my children. I do not have dog birthday parties. My dogs own zero articles of clothing. And dogs are not allowed in the bed at night.
Back to Piper. She just turned 2 years old and she is an extremely intelligent dog with a lot of energy. We are a super laid-back low-energy, house. Recently, Piper has spent lots of time with her buddy, Mia. Both at our apartment and at my friend Nicole’s house–that is in the country with a nice big yard that Piper LOVED running around at top speed! Piper LOVES Mia. Mia LOVES Piper. Mia is everything Luna (our Golden Retriver) is not. Luna is an incredibly submissive and delicate flower. She has little to no interest in Pipers shenanigans. There is some playing, but mostly annoyance, and hunkering down or hiding to avoid getting TACKLED, herded, and dragged around by the collar. Not an optimal situation for either pup.
But I can’t let her go. She is 12/10 on the personality and intelligence chart and I love that shit! So we’ve made some renewed commitments to make sure both dogs are getting what they need to be happy. Lots more walks, separate (so Luna can RELAX) and together, and trips to the park run and run and run. Fortunately, both are good off-leash so on hikes and park trips, they can really go FULL SEND. I’ve also been taking the time to really train Piper to walk well on a leash to make it enjoyable for all involved and it’s WORKING! AND I spent today researching local agility training because I KNOW she will love it since she loves playground equipment so much! And we are HOPING a well-trained, well-exercised Piper will be a better friend for Luna. …Or at least be tired enough to take it down a couple notches.
And note-to-self and readers… Just because you have always wanted a German Shepherd or border collie or pug or English setter or husky or teacup poodle, etc doesn’t mean they are the right pup for your situation or that you are the right owner for theirs! Don’t ignore the widely available breed characterisric information …..like I did.
I can’t believe I am about to say this…. but…. here it goes… WE ARE ALL CITIZENS OF EARTH! Lonnie and I are increasingly realizing we want to be GOOD citizens of the earth and that means making choices that are sometimes inconvenient and out of our comfort zones. We started by no longer purchasing bottled water. Lonnie watched a documentary that led to days of research and a proclamation that we were done with bottled water, particularly Coke products. Google “Coca-Cola Murders,” and then check out this list of Coca Cola products once you are rightfully disgusted and horrified. In addition to human rights violations, we are also thinking about our contributions to the negative impact on our environment caused by bottled water. We all know those bottles are going SOMEWHERE, but it’s so easy to just not give a shit for the sake of convenience. Tell me one time you were outside recently and DIDN’T see a bottle on the ground by the side of the road, in the woods, one the beach…..? Again, do your own research and decide for yourself. While you’re at it, do a little research about Poland Springs and the bullshit they have been pulling in Maine, in our own backyard!
Another thing I’ve known for YEARS, and have ignored, is the meat-farming industry is one of the main causes of our declining environment. Here is a good article (Not from PETA — because fuck those guys) to get you started, How Does Meat in the Diet Take an Environmental Toll? Now, let’s not get cray-cray; I *LOVE* MEAT. Steak…chicken…. pork… BACON…. ::::sigh:::: BUT, if I want to be a better citizen of the earth I need to change the way I consume it. So, we are now having a LEAST 1 non-meat dinner a week. One of our first was trying to make fish curry. DO NOT RECOMMEND Mr. I’ll-Eat-Anything Clarke took one bite and considered running away from home. A standout fav of his is a plate of fruits, veg, some kids of break/cracker/pita, and hummus or cheese. It’s a perfect meal for hot summer nights on busy days when we don’t feel like cooking anyway– double bonus! A standout fav of mine is a nice steamy bowl of kimchi fried rice with the kimchi I made, LIKE A BOSS!
We still have oodles of room for improvement to full hippy integration, but for now, these changes are seeming to stick (Especially since I starting writing this post in May and never finished it till today!)