I am a 40 something (yikers!) year old divorced, and then re-married, mom of two, Sean and Jessi. A lot of my blog is focused on my struggle with my weight. Another lot of my blog is focused on my journey to better myself in other aspects of my life. I spent the first half of my life angry and bitter, with big splashes of fun to hold it together. In this half, I've kept the fun and put in the work on myself to kiss the angry, bitter bitch goodbye!
I have been blogging since 2006ish on my on Porchrockers blogger blog. I love blogging and I loved that blog, but my life has changed so much that it just didn't fit me anymore so I created a shiny new blog to match my shiny new life!
“Gross. I don’t come here to see big fat asses jiggling around,” pixie-of-a-girl said loudly to her friend at the gym, ensuring said fat-assed woman would hear.
“Oh my god, I wish I could wear a shirt like that. I would never feel comfortable with my arms out like that,” said to me when I posted a post-workout photo in my favorite fun tank top. (Note: I didn’t take this as her suggesting anything was wrong with MY arms, but I was sad she felt so badly about her own.)
“I want to walk, but I don’t want the whole neighborhood to see me out walking because I’m embarrassed.” said by so many. Too many. swap out ‘walk’ for ‘gym’ and there are umpteen more.
These posts make me so sad. And angry. This morning I was jogging down Route 1a (aka Main Street), thinking about these posts, and then crafting this blog in my head. A social-worker-at-heart; I want to help everyone. I want to find out what the pixie girl has gone through to make her behave so cruelly. I want to force every fat chick in the world to wear cute, funny tank tops until they don’t give their arms a second thought. I want to teach people who are embarrassed to exercise to NOT GIVE A FUCK about what other people are thinking!
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ASSHOLES!
Pixiegirl McFatshamer’s life brought to a place where she thinks it’s ok, and maybe even FUNNY, to be nasty. Her behavior has NOTHING to do with you. She has a black spot in her heart that needs healing. That’s HER issue; NOT yours. Think about it this way… You own a company. Fatchick McWorkout and Pixie McFatshamer are applying for jobs. Who do you hire? Fatchick McWorkout and Pixie McFatshamer are standing in the Karma or Heaven or whateveryoubelieve line: Who is getting promoted or heavened or whatever?
It is not lost on me as I jog down 1A that some of the people driving past me are having nasty thoughts, laughing at me with their friends, or making snarky comments. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. It is also not lost on me that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, one person will see my fat ass jiggling along and my eyes black-and-blue because my “good jog bra” was in the wash today, and think, “Wow…. if she can do it, maybe I can too!” And that makes me happy 🙂
A couple things my guru, Corinne Crabtree, preaches are coming into play hardcore this lately.
If you want to make a big LASTING change, you have to make several micro-changes to head you down that road.
Stop shoulding on yourself. (Say it out loud. It’s fun!) (Here’s a link to one of her podcasts focused on shoulding, but she talks about it a lot!)
I want to get up and exercise before work a couple days a week because of my busier schedule does not allow me time to get exercise in after work/school/internship. I put it on my schedule last week twice and it didn’t happen. Wednesday morning the air was delightfully cold and dry and my husband was delightfully warm and snuggly. Yesterday, I just plain didn’t want to get up- and I had a headache. In review, I see super-early-A.M. exercise doesn’t belong on my plan yet until I have practiced getting up at 5:30am. By putting it on my schedule, I am setting myself up for failure and telling myself I don’t have to follow my own schedule. I have spent my entire life quitting on myself and teaching myself how to quit on myself by setting myself up for failure and accepting failure as the truth of who I am. Someone who starts things. Lots of things. So many things. Sad. (<— hahaha @ me channeling my inner Trump).
Back to early morning exercise. I have already made several of the micro-changes needed to get me to this goal…
I don’t stay up late anymore
I get up pretty early now already (just not 5:30ish ) in comparison to 2 years ago me who sometimes slept until I had to work at noon. NOON!
I’ve made exercise part of daily life. I decided long ago on a daily minimum of 15 minutes. Literally everyone has 15 minutes to do SOMETHING- even if bedtime has rolled up on ya… you can do 15 minutes of bedtime yoga. 15 minutes may not seem like much, but 1. 90% of the time I go much longer and 2. 15 minutes is better than zero minutes. 3. Doing this has created a solid foundation for me to build on.
One thing I know Corinne would recommend is an accountability partner. I am fighting this one because, well, shit. I guess because I don’t want to really do it. Damnit. As I type this out, I guess I need to find one. BUT HERE ARE MY GREAT EXCUSES NOT TO….
I don’t like people. Especially new people. I’m in Corinne’s facebook group and because she did a recent talk on accountability partners, they are all posting asking for partners and stuff and I am like….EW. NO NEW PEOPLE! WHAT IF THEY ARE NEEDY AND WANT TO BE, LIKE…. FRIENDS!!??? GROSS! LOL
I don’t keep my phone in my room at night, so having someone that texts or calls me at 5:30 isn’t going to work.
I am barely responsible for my own shit, let alone someone else’s!
I have Lonnie. (However… you read above and saw how well that has worked out so far)
I just texted my bff Nicole. I think she does morning shit. Is that cheating? Should I be broadening my horizons with that whole ‘new people’ thing? Hmmmm…….
So this week’s plan: Get up at 5:30 every day. Not putting the early morning exercise on the plan this week, but if I feel like it, I’ll do it. But as long as I get up… I’m showing up for myself!
….and here it is. I’ve reached the practicum/field experience/internship stage of the MSW program. As of Saturday morning, I officially have no life outside of work, classes, and my practicum placement. OK; that’s dramatic and not even true. And a bad attitude. Let’s try that again. As of Saturday, I will have less free time and need to put a bit more focus into organization and time management so I can enjoy the free time I DO have! THERE! Much better! For real though… looking at my calendar makes my heart race a little. I have carefully crafted my schedule to at least have Sundays free for family time, because they are my top priority!
I’m definitely scared and worried– partially because there is still a lot up in the air, but I also know I’ve got this. Lonnie is supportive. Sean seems to have his shit together. Jessi doesn’t even live around here 😉 And I feel good about at least having Sundays reserved for them. My biggest worry is working all my new healthy habits into this new busy lifestyle. I am kicking ass and taking names and I don’t want to throw away all I have learned. And I’ve not going to. MARK MY WORDS!
Taboo subject alert: We have had several discussions about re-homing Piper over the past couple years. In fact, a few weeks ago we even began to put out feelers for amazing humans living in amazing situations with yards and kids and dogs and lakes where she could be her amazing self. Then we began to have lots of feels. …,.which to be honest, is quite uncharacteristic for me. I love dogs! BUT I am not one of those people who goes on vacation and sits around missing my dog. I do not call my dogs my children. I do not have dog birthday parties. My dogs own zero articles of clothing. And dogs are not allowed in the bed at night.
Back to Piper. She just turned 2 years old and she is an extremely intelligent dog with a lot of energy. We are a super laid-back low-energy, house. Recently, Piper has spent lots of time with her buddy, Mia. Both at our apartment and at my friend Nicole’s house–that is in the country with a nice big yard that Piper LOVED running around at top speed! Piper LOVES Mia. Mia LOVES Piper. Mia is everything Luna (our Golden Retriver) is not. Luna is an incredibly submissive and delicate flower. She has little to no interest in Pipers shenanigans. There is some playing, but mostly annoyance, and hunkering down or hiding to avoid getting TACKLED, herded, and dragged around by the collar. Not an optimal situation for either pup.
But I can’t let her go. She is 12/10 on the personality and intelligence chart and I love that shit! So we’ve made some renewed commitments to make sure both dogs are getting what they need to be happy. Lots more walks, separate (so Luna can RELAX) and together, and trips to the park run and run and run. Fortunately, both are good off-leash so on hikes and park trips, they can really go FULL SEND. I’ve also been taking the time to really train Piper to walk well on a leash to make it enjoyable for all involved and it’s WORKING! AND I spent today researching local agility training because I KNOW she will love it since she loves playground equipment so much! And we are HOPING a well-trained, well-exercised Piper will be a better friend for Luna. …Or at least be tired enough to take it down a couple notches.
And note-to-self and readers… Just because you have always wanted a German Shepherd or border collie or pug or English setter or husky or teacup poodle, etc doesn’t mean they are the right pup for your situation or that you are the right owner for theirs! Don’t ignore the widely available breed characterisric information …..like I did.
I can’t believe I am about to say this…. but…. here it goes… WE ARE ALL CITIZENS OF EARTH! Lonnie and I are increasingly realizing we want to be GOOD citizens of the earth and that means making choices that are sometimes inconvenient and out of our comfort zones. We started by no longer purchasing bottled water. Lonnie watched a documentary that led to days of research and a proclamation that we were done with bottled water, particularly Coke products. Google “Coca-Cola Murders,” and then check out this list of Coca Cola products once you are rightfully disgusted and horrified. In addition to human rights violations, we are also thinking about our contributions to the negative impact on our environment caused by bottled water. We all know those bottles are going SOMEWHERE, but it’s so easy to just not give a shit for the sake of convenience. Tell me one time you were outside recently and DIDN’T see a bottle on the ground by the side of the road, in the woods, one the beach…..? Again, do your own research and decide for yourself. While you’re at it, do a little research about Poland Springs and the bullshit they have been pulling in Maine, in our own backyard!
Another thing I’ve known for YEARS, and have ignored, is the meat-farming industry is one of the main causes of our declining environment. Here is a good article (Not from PETA — because fuck those guys) to get you started, How Does Meat in the Diet Take an Environmental Toll? Now, let’s not get cray-cray; I *LOVE* MEAT. Steak…chicken…. pork… BACON…. ::::sigh:::: BUT, if I want to be a better citizen of the earth I need to change the way I consume it. So, we are now having a LEAST 1 non-meat dinner a week. One of our first was trying to make fish curry. DO NOT RECOMMEND Mr. I’ll-Eat-Anything Clarke took one bite and considered running away from home. A standout fav of his is a plate of fruits, veg, some kids of break/cracker/pita, and hummus or cheese. It’s a perfect meal for hot summer nights on busy days when we don’t feel like cooking anyway– double bonus! A standout fav of mine is a nice steamy bowl of kimchi fried rice with the kimchi I made, LIKE A BOSS!
We still have oodles of room for improvement to full hippy integration, but for now, these changes are seeming to stick (Especially since I starting writing this post in May and never finished it till today!)
I have been a major blog slacker. Mostly because my writing itch is getting scratched every day by journaling—- believe it or not, I actually DO have SOME private thoughts 😉 I think I am also feeling embarrassed because at the end of June I joined a weight loss group called “Phit n’ Phat” and I feel like every time I start something, everyone collectively groans, “Oh boy….. here we go again!” And I defend myself with… “NO GUYS!! It’s different this time! It really is!!” And guess what. It really is. I knew it was different when I went away with the kids and Lonnie to Boston for the weekend and had no trouble sticking to the plan I made because it included everything I wanted!
But enough about that!
I wanna talk about my GO-WITH-THE-FLOW-AMAZING-FAMILY!!
We are not rich or well-off by any stretch of the imagination. And right before this Boston trip, we got wiped out by unexpected car repairs. I talked to the kids about the trip being all about fun and togetherness
and not shopping an eating out, and rather than groaning, I got, “Oooh! Can we just go to Trader Joes and stock up and hang out in the room and by the pool and stuff!?” Hell yeah we can!!
So we get to Boston. (Well… we stay in Burlington– HOT TIP: Burlington hotels are MUCH, MUCH cheaper and it’s only a 15 minute drive to the Alewife T station and $7 to park for the whole day!) Karen at the front desk of the Hilton Garden Inn says, “I’m sorry. Priceline sent the reservation through for one king bed and the hotel is completely sold out (thanks a lot Taylor Swift), so I can’t even make a switch.” Great. So we go to the lobby to figure it out. Lonnie and I talk about seeing if we can get a room (that we can NOT afford) for the kid in a nearby hotel, as I overhear the kids talking and Sean is saying he could sleep in a chair or on the floor and Jessi could sleep across the bottom of the bed. Suddenly, Karen (aka my Hilton Hero) came over and pulls me aside to whisper that she made have found a solution, someone had checked out early and they had a 2 Queen room– but it wasn’t a done deal because she didn’t know if housekeeping would be able to turn over the room because it was so late, but she would do whatever she could to make it happen. And as the kids say… “Yo Yo Yo….Karen CAME THRUUUUUUUUUUUU” The only hitch was that we needed to disappear for a few hours to give everyone time to clean the room and make the changes…NO PROBLEM! I took this pic as we headed back to the car to kill time feeling all mushy and completely in love with my awesome bunch of drama-free travelers.
We had an AWESOME, CHEAP(ish– let’s be real) weekend! We even indulged Sean in his “dream” to go to a Tesla showroom and into all the fancy stores like Gucci and Louis Vuitton (He listens to waaaayyy too much rap music). The Tesla showroom in Boston actually turned out to be a fun highlight of the weekend. While Boston trips can EASILY break the bank, because of all the tourist attractions, cheap eats, people watching, and shops to browse, it can actually be a bargain!
Blissful staycation. Even taking into consideration ripping my big toenail half off and having to bow out of my 3k race tomorrow. Fortunately, as of today, it doesn’t really hurt anymore, and it’s oozing (ewwwww, I know) much, much less!
We’ve had a perfect balance of laziness and getting stuff done.
I got and planted some more plants.
Did some painting and decorating.
Cooked up a storm. Several, actually.
And this weekend, Jessi is coming to visit! I’m going to terrify myself with some dinos on a giant Imax screen. AND I’m going to terrify everyone else when I try my hand at homemade kimchi!
Here’s a link to one of the delicious recipes I made this week! (I didn’t shape it into a volcano. We were out of eggs. And I added some pork)