I am a 40 something (yikers!) year old divorced, and then re-married, mom of two, Sean and Jessi. A lot of my blog is focused on my struggle with my weight. Another lot of my blog is focused on my journey to better myself in other aspects of my life. I spent the first half of my life angry and bitter, with big splashes of fun to hold it together. In this half, I've kept the fun and put in the work on myself to kiss the angry, bitter bitch goodbye!
I have been blogging since 2006ish on my on Porchrockers blogger blog. I love blogging and I loved that blog, but my life has changed so much that it just didn't fit me anymore so I created a shiny new blog to match my shiny new life!
“My wife was working in the garden by that afternoon!”
“Oh, when I had it done, I worked the next day and I was fine.”
“Don’t worry… it’s a breeze!”
::::insert Morgan Freeman voice here::::
It was not a breeze.
Maybe because I’ve never had surgery before? Maybe because the fates aligned and gave me a cold AND a stomach flu* aka ‘pissing out my asshole’ the day after the surgery? Maybe because I am a giant fucking baby?
Writing this… I am wondering if maybe the fates (aka Universe aka God aka The Spirit aka Mother Earth aka aka aka aka…..) DID align and gave me that cold and stomach flu to slow me the hell down and teach me to check myself before I wreck myself!!? I LITERALLY asked the doctor BEFORE I WAS EVEN FULLY OUT OF ANESTHESIA when I could go jogging. (Ok, keepin’ it real… I TRIED to ask that, made no sense, and Lonnie had to interpret my nonsense to the doctor).
I am SO DAMN FOCUSED ON BEING STRONG AND TOUGH, and on people thinking I am. It’s really stupid. It’s something I need to learn to let go of. Done. It’s gone. Hi. I’m Colleen and there is no such thing as a “strong person” or a “weak person.” There are only different reactions made by different people to different situations. And MY reaction to having a tubal ligation/cauterization…
I was nervous and scared beforehand than I expected.
I had no idea my throat would hurt so much from the intubation (but it turned out I also had a cold/flu thing so maybe that isn’t always quite so rough).
My lower stomach area was painful for 2 days and then just “weird” feeling– almost felt like something was in there that shouldn’t have been, and was considering pulling an “Alien”– for about a week after and still feels slightly uncomfortable today– a week later, because when I sit, all my pants dig into the very spot where they went in with the …tools?
I still haven’t jogged or exercised in any way AND THAT’S OK! (Planning on it for tomorrow though. I think I’m ready!)
I write this because I hope someone like me reads this post and doesn’t feel like a “failure” like I did when I wasn’t out jogging 2 days post-op and when I couldn’t work last Friday (3 days post-op) like I had planned. When I finally realized the most important thing I needed to do was CHILL THE FUCK OUT and give myself the time to relax and recover, my whole mindset changed and I was able to kind of even ENJOY my time off work, exercise, and cleaning!
*We know it was a flu/virus and not a reaction to surgery because it’s now in the capable hands of the Mr. of the house 😉 And also because my doctor and google said so.
I made the mistake of telling Sean (my 16yo) my goal to try learning to like fruit this year (assuming he wasn’t paying attention and I was just talking to hear myself speak – as per usual). Apparently one of his callings is aggressively pushing others into achieving their goals. Sean J: life coach whether you like it or not.
The FLAVOR of the little ball of tiny balls was actually quite yummy. The TEXTURE, however, is not something I think I can get used to. The bursting in your mouth thing… The crunchy, tiny, earthy seeds amidst the juicy slime…. Um, no? I can’t say it’s a hard pass, but I definitely didn’t ask for another.
As Lonnie watches a Youtube video to learn how to carve bowls from wood……
I’ll post of photos of our weekend! We cooked! We Cinco de Mayo’d! We breakfasted and Lowes’ed. And I planted a little succulent garden instead of just pinning pictures of them all day on Pinterest! I also dug my DSLR out of the closet and put my fun 50mm 1.4 lens on to play with and make things a little more challenging. Blogging really is cheaper than therapy!
Do most people have hobbies? Do you have a hobby? I have things I’m interested in, but I can’t really say I have any true hobbies and I admit, I am a little jealous of people who do! I spend WAY too much time “being bored.” TBH, I think staring at my phone is my hobby. And that’s not cool.
Last Friday night my husband packed his backpack and a hammock and went off into the woods for the night IN THE RAIN. AND HE WAS _LOVING IT_ “Bushcrafting,” they call it. And he’s obsessed. He watches Youtube videos. He writes a blog. He buys stuff. He reads stuff. You get the idea. He also goes out every Tuesday night to play Dungeons & Dragons. Like… in public. With, like… no shame at all. (Hee hee) He reads like 2 books a week. He plays Fallout and Far Cry. HE DOES ALL THE THINGS.
And I stare at my phone.
I used to be obsessed with scrapbooking, then photography. Both still interest me, but not like they used to. Makeup and fooling around with makeup is fun every day… I guess that’s my current hobby? Maybe?
Is finding a hobby like meeting Mr. Right? It just happens? Or do you keep trying things out to find something that strikes your fancy? The latter method doesn’t seem to be working for me so far as evidenced by the cake decorating kit I used once (I’m fat enough without making freaking cake all the time! Also, I suck (receipts above) LOL)… the scrapbooking stuff I still can’t help buying (scrapbooking is so lame …lol)…. all my old camera lenses that are collecting dust (my camera is old and outdated– plus winter, and what would I even take pictures of that I don’t take with my phone…?)
Maybe my hobby is coming up with excuses not to have a hobby!!! 😀
ACTION TO TAKE: DO A FUN HOBBY-ISH THING THIS WEEK.
As a crisis worker, I spend a LOT of time in emergency departments. Up until about a year ago, I think I witnessed ONE overdose coming in, and thensomething happened. These days, I usually don’t get through a work shift without an overdose coming in. Sometimes they die. Narcan isn’t made of magic. Overhearing these people dying (because even if they live through that overdose…. they are still dying) day in and day out really takes a toll on me. So many people with so much life yet to live. Butsomething happened, and now their life belongs to drugs.
There have ALWAYS been drugs and there have ALWAYS been people addicted to them. Something happenedand now we have an epidemic. WHAT HAPPENED!????
I see people post the most disgusting and heartless memes recommending we just let all the drug addicts kill themselves, suggesting Narcam shouldn’t be readily available, saying ‘it’s their choice to do drugs—it’s their problem,’ etc. What if is ISN’T their choice? Do you really think ANY 5 year old out there is spinning around with their arms spread out daydreaming about the first time they get their hands on some smack? Coloring at the table imagining their first night as a homeless person? Getting ready for an 8th grade dance thinking about how excited they are to grow up and trade their first blow job for an 8-ball? No. ButSOMETHING HAPPENED, and the it’s starting to seem like drugs are just as likely a future as college for kids growing up right now.
It is SO. EASY. TO. JUDGE. But I PROMISE YOU that EVERY overdose I overhear was once just a ‘regular kid,’ with hopes, dreams, crayons, and swings. EVERY overdose I overhear is someone with family members JUST LIKE YOU about to hear the worst news of their life; That any hope they were holding is gone.
We need to figure out what happened and then work on fixing it. Judging, ignoring, alienating, demonizing and ‘not-my-probleming’ is just making things so much worse.
On Sunday I did what I do best… talked my bff into all kinds of stuff she “NEEDED” at Sephora 😀 And based on her snaps this week, my recommendations did not disappoint, so here’s WHAT YOU NEED AT SEPHORA (or… you know, where ever else you can get the stuff….)
Fenty Gloss Bomb. As suggested in it’s title, this stuff is the bomb. It is the perfect ‘barely there’ shade for literally ANYONE! It has the perfect amount of reflects (aka teensy glitter) that makes it sparkle–yet somehow not make look like you shop at Claire’s for your makeup. And it isn’t too sticky or gloppy. And it smells like fruity pebbles. I will definitely buy it again when I run out; and I have never done that before with a gloss so that’s saying something!
Anastasia Beverly Hills Soft Glam palette. Damn this palette isAH-MAY-ZING! It’s so versatile! You can get every day work looks, evening looks, super glam, barely there, and smoked out! Aforementioned BFF had looked at it when I first sang it’s praises to her last month, but thought it looked to dark so didn’t get it. Then… as we lunched at Applebees , I noted her staring lovingly into my eyes for an extended period of time until it got creepy…. “WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ON YOUR EYES!!!???” It was the Soft Glam palette, of course! (Note: If you already have the ABH Modern Renaissance palette, they are VERY similar– you probably don’tneedboth)
Ouai EVERYTHING! Ok, but specifically,Memory Mist(Which I am CERTAIN is made of magic),Rose Hair and Body Oil, andWave Spray. If you want to just start with trying one thing, go with the Memory Mist. ….or the Wave Spray. ….or the oil. LOL
AND… Sephora has little ‘try me’ kits that contain at least 2 of the 3.
Here’s a video describing
how they all work.
Yes, it’s another Jamie Genevieve video. Yes I have a crush.
First off. Let’s pretend I didn’t just spend 15 minutes finding a title for this series. Thesaurus.com anyone? Alliteration anyone?
I had a great discussion with my bff today about dreams after listening to this week’s Oprah Supersoul Sunday podcast and thinking… ‘Shit. I’m not sure I HAVE dreams! What does that even mean!?’ (As in the ‘hopes and….’ – – not the nighttime ones. I have PLENTY of those!)
Our talk got cut a bit short because of stupid work and life, but I’m still a little hung up on the difference between dreams and ‘stuff I want to do someday.’ I think the ‘stuff I want to do someday’ list could be endless!
Swim around WILD dolphins (Don’t even get me started on those horrible ‘swim with a sad caged creature ‘experiences’)
Live in someplace other than Maine, and then maybe someplace other than that!
Travel to Europe, Thailand, the Philippines, India (maybe), Iceland, the Galapagos (will never happen), the Island where they filmed Jurassic Park (could happen but that boat ride is a DOOZY)
Sit in those cool recliney seats in first class with the screen in-between so when I annoy Lonnie and his Sudoku too much with my chatter, he can close the screen on me 😀
…..like I said, that list could go on….. and on……..
Dreams seem like they should be BIGGER.
The only “dream” I could come up with is that I would like to write a book someday. This is why I blog. I love to write and cannot wrap my head around the giant task of a whole book. My blog is my half-assed book.
Then there are daydreams. Are those dreams? My most common one (the one I fall asleep to many nights) is Lonnie and I living on a small island as caretakers of a small resort or estate. Catching fish with spears and digging for shellfish to catch our dinner to cook with stuff from our garden 🙂 No internet. Naps in hammocks. Occasional trips to civilization for supplies. :::::sigh:::::