I haven’t been feeling the whole “eat only when you are hungry and only at the table” thing this week. …and honestly, even though I have “pretty much” forced myself to comply… I feel yucky and bloaty and fat. And actually… as I thought about what “pretty much” meant, and thought about all the times I ate on the couch and ate when I was hungry. I am kidding myself about the “pretty much” thing. I am off the rails!! I even bought a box of cheez its. I have had literally NO DESIRE to eat cheez its since I started this ‘eat whatever you want and whatever you love the most’ journey, which acutally shocked me because I thought they were my FAVORITE!! Turns out… they are just something that I turn to when I am feelingsy and want to zone out and mindlessly snack on the couch in front of the tv. Other than that time, I don’t ever want them.
So now I have to figure out WHY. I was blaming it all on “that time of the month,” but that’s not really a reason.
- I have had “that time of the month” several times since I started this and it was actually FREEING to have a craving and sit with it until I was hungry and then go for it with no guilt.
- Could it be self sabotage? My jeans have been looser, Jessi even commented on it the other day.
- Another thought… I NEVER do well with schedule changes, and not only did we start going to the gym, which has changed our schedules, but I also had my hours cut down to 36 from 40.
- Stress. Sean and his school slacking is stressing me out lately… bigtime. I am beyond frustrated with him and have had to take a good look at myself and my role (thanks Dr. Phil for last weeks episode about a 20 year old still living at home) in his behavior. I have had to make changes in myself and crack down on him hardcore and stop worrying that he will be “sad” if I make him do the things he is supposed to. It’s been REALLY, REALLY hard. I HATE to see him sad and he is such a jerk when he is mad at me and it makes me feel crappy. I have some serious divorce guilt. I also have serious, I used to be a shitty, bitchy, angry person…. which means I was a shitty, bitchy, angry mom. So I feel like I have to make up for all those years of shittiness. BUT… I realize now what I was doing and I am done. Letting him slack at school and home and act like a jerk is not being a good mom… it’s not angry or bitchy…. but it’s still shitty.