Not feelin’ it

I haven’t been feeling the whole “eat only when you are hungry and only at the table” thing this week.  …and honestly, even though I have “pretty much” forced myself to comply… I feel yucky and bloaty and fat.  And actually… as I thought about what “pretty much” meant, and thought about all the times I ate on the couch and ate when I was hungry.  I am kidding myself about the “pretty much” thing.  I am off the rails!!  I even bought a box of cheez its.  I have had literally NO DESIRE to eat cheez its since I started this ‘eat whatever you want and whatever you love the most’ journey, which acutally shocked me because I thought they were my FAVORITE!!  Turns out… they are just something that I turn to when I am feelingsy and want to zone out and mindlessly snack on the couch in front of the tv.  Other than that time, I don’t ever want them.

So now I have to figure out WHY.  I was blaming it all on “that time of the month,”  but that’s not really a reason.

  • I have had “that time of the month” several times since I started this and it was actually FREEING to have a craving and sit with it until I was hungry and then go for it with no guilt.
  • Could it be self sabotage?  My jeans have been looser, Jessi even commented on it the other day.
  • Another thought… I NEVER do well with schedule changes, and not only did we start going to the gym, which has changed our schedules, but I also had my hours cut down to 36 from 40.
  • Stress.  Sean and his school slacking is stressing me out lately… bigtime.  I am beyond frustrated with him and have had to take a good look at myself and my role (thanks Dr. Phil for last weeks episode about a 20 year old still living at home) in his behavior.  I have had to make changes in myself and crack down on him hardcore and stop worrying that he will be “sad” if I make him do the things he is supposed to.  It’s been REALLY, REALLY hard.  I HATE to see him sad and he is such a jerk when he is mad at me and it makes me feel crappy.  I have some serious divorce guilt.  I also have serious, I used to be a shitty, bitchy, angry person…. which means I was a shitty, bitchy, angry mom.  So I feel like I have to make up for all those years of shittiness. BUT… I realize now what I was doing and I am done.  Letting him slack at school and home and act like a jerk is not being a good mom… it’s not angry or bitchy…. but it’s still shitty.
Hmmm…. LOL I think we found the answer there…. See… THIS is why I blog.  And if you don’t blog… I implore you to even keep a private blog, or a journal.  I knew that I was having troubles and I knew the Sean thing was a part of it, but until I started writing, and the feelings started bubbling up as I typed… I didn’t realize how hard of a time I am having with this.
Blogging really IS cheaper than therapy.
P.S. I can feel you judging me for watching Dr. Phil.  Stop it.  LOL

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