My latest self help book adventure

Reading this book.  It actually has been helpful in two ways…

1. the way it is supposed to be helpful
2. helping me realize that as far as emotional eaters go… I am pretty low on the batshit crazy scale 😉  (SO many things in this book where I am thinking… ‘wow!!  never done THAT!’

She talks about multiple experiences where people told her that she was too fat, or unattractive because she was overweight.  Who the hell is this woman and WHY is she surrounding herself with assholes?? I can think of 2 times off the top of my head that someone hurt me by pointing out my weight.

1- The year Rick and I started dating someone told me that some girl that I barely knew said “Well he sure is feeding her well.”  I was mortified that people I barely knew were noticing my body and weight gain, and also hurt that a ‘friend

2- I vividly remember being at TJ Maxx and looking at tights to buy with my mother and picking up a pair to try and her saying something about the fact that what I was looking at was certainly never going to fit me.  She went on to say that she when she was young, someone told her she was fat, so she figured, “oh well…. I’m already fat…. may as well eat whatever” and cautioned me not to be like her.

….As I type this I am realizing that I do this to Jessi and Sean ALL THE TIME.  Damn.  I have fucked up bigtime with this one.  I am replaying in my mind all the

  • “I just want you to get into a habit of exercising now, so you don’t end up fighting fat your whole life like I have.”  
  • “Are you sure you are hungry… I really want you to stop and think about it before you eat that… that’s how people get fat.  Trust me_ I_ know!”  
  • “STOP EATING DRY PASTA ALL THE TIME YOU WEIRD WEIRD CHILD!!”  (ok… I am sticking with that one) 
  • “Field hockey is over, you really need to find a way to not gain weight like you always do once field hockey ends.  I just don’t want you to end up like me.”

AND WHY would I NOT want my kids to “end up like me”?  I am pretty damn awesome.  I love my kids and show it to them every day.  I have an awesome family who is there for me when I need them and vice-ersa. I am open-minded to change.  I am fun!  I have lots of friends that I value and who value me right back.  I have love, true and deep love.  I am cute!  I have faults… lots of them… but I am willing to see them and work on them if I see they are hurting other’s in my life.  I work hard.  I am educated.  I am silly and goofy.  I am an awesome cook.  I love projects…. even if I often don’t finish them 😉

My fat has nothing to do with the person I am… my kids don’t care.  My friends don’t care.  My partner thinks I am sexy as hell no matter what weight I am.  I however do care… for two reasons… well three really… but the third is the one everyone is “supposed” to have.

  1. I hate the feeling I have when I am out shopping and I can’t buy the clothes I want because they don’t have my size.  That constant sting of tears threatening to fall… the deep breathes I have to take to stop them because I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s fun shopping trip because of MY issues.
  2. I love the feeling of my body when there is less fat on it and I am exercising.   I love the firmness of my legs especially.  I love the all the extra energy.  I love feeling all bad-ass…. especially when I am running.
  3. And #3… the one we are all supposed to have.  I want to be healthy, disease-free, and not have a heart attack or a stroke.  

Honestly, I was very happy where I was a year and a half ago when I lost weight after the divorce.  I could shop in any store I wanted to, I felt fantastic and healthy.  I loved the feeling of going shopping with friends and actually being able to participate.

But…  I also didn’t feel like “me” and that was scary.  And that is a blog for another day!

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