FEAR!??? Who knew!?

I have been on a journey of self-exploration and attempted improvement since the night last nail was hammered down in the coffin of my marriage.

I read that awesome book and learned a lot about myself and worked to make changes, and I have done great with it.  I am grateful for my life and my loves.  I am just not that angry, bitter, cynical person that I once was and that’s awesome.
But as you may have guessed from this post… I am nowhere near done.  Well… I mean… is ANYONE ever “done”?? There are no “perfect people,” and how boring would THAT be!?  Which leads me to what I have recently learned and am working on… Fear.  What does what I just typed have to do with fear, you ask? WELL I’LL TELL YA!  That word up there… “BORING.”  See it?  It’s one of my biggest fears.  Being “boring.”  I like being ‘spicy.’  I like saying things that make people go… 
and doing things that make people go….
I like wearing converse with turtles on them and mismatched socks…. and glitter.
I’m sure in psychobabblespeak, my fear of being boring probably goes deeper to a fear of not being interesting and fear of people not liking me or wanting to spend time with me.  
While I don’t want to change who I am or any of those things I mentioned above.  There are some aspects of this fear that I would like to tackle.  
This fear has always affected my work/career because I don’t want to be the girl that “walks the company line” “does what she is told” “is quiet and good and well-behaved.”  I think those people are… well… boring.  I also think even worse than the boring part is that I think they are FAKE with a capital “F!”  I hate fake even more than I hate boring!  BUT… in my constant drive to NOT be that girl… I am instead the ‘class clown’ of the office.  I am frequently pulled into the bosses office to be scolded  In past jobs it has led to my being fired. This has led to me always having an underlying fear (there’s that word again) of losing my job… which leads to defensive, bad attitude-ish, behavior when I am giving feedback.  This needs to stop.  I have been working on my attitude for awhile now, but I never really got this whole fear-driven part until this past week.  I am awesome at my job… and I just got even more awesomer at it because I have an awesome boss who saw my strengths in teaching, training, creating classes, and going out “among the people” to spread knowledge and made my job all about that stuff!!  So I have NO problem now with “walking the company line” because I don’t want my shenanigans to detract from the awesome stuff I get to do now.  I also see now that I can be taken seriously AND still be FUN AND INTERESTING!!  Example…. here are the first and last pages of a powerpoint staff training I am working on….  
I am finding ways to incorporate my fun, edgy, sassy attitude into my job in more constructive ways and I love it because I LOVE A CHALLENGE!!  

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s