Colleenland is a batshit crazy place to live

I read a book last year called “The 5 Love Languages.”  It’s a really good book that really helped me to see what matters to me in a relationship, and how to recognize what matters to my partner.  I highly recommend it.  Yesterday I was talking to Lonnie about it and he took the quiz and we talked a lot about what each of us does that shows the other that we love and care for them.

Then… later on…. we were in the car talking about supper and I opened my console and showed him my stash of caramel creams and suggested maybe that would be my supper.  As I knew he would… he gave me a stern disapproving look and then said “You really love seeing me exasperated with you, don’t you?”  I laughed and grinned said, “Why yes… yes I do!”  In itself, this was not a key moment, or anything groundbreaking….

……Until I was thinking about it all while I was laying in bed this morning and connected the dots.

I DO love it!  I DO love it when he scolds me for negative behaviors!  I do things intentionally to provoke such moments.  Never big things, or hurtful things, or things that would cause him to have trust issues… always just little things like eating candy for supper… not flushing the toilet when it’s just pee… throwing all my clothes on the floor all over my bedroom…..  little things that drive him nuts.  And then when I succeed in getting the scolding.  I feel satisfied… I feel happy… and I feel loved.  What the fuck is that shit!???  It’s no wonder that I have been on a spiral of weight gain since I am eating treats all the time to garner negative attention from the man I love.  I am batshit crazy.  Fantastic.

I have thought a LOT about it today and this is not anything new.  A year-and-a-half or so ago I stopped eating all together and was only eating one meal a day.  At the time I said it was the best way for me to lost weight.  But in reality… I got LOTS of negative attention from my friends and co-workers, and I loved it.  What stuck with me the most what when people would say “Does Rick know you are doing this!??” ….and Yes, Rick did know… but he didn’t care.  He never cared about the self-harming things I did to myself… like cutting myself when I was 16.  In fact, I also never felt like my parents cared about anything I did either.  The only time I was disciplined was when I did things that were inconveniencing or embarrassing them… it never felt like it was “for my own good.”  (That obviously may or may not be the case… but that it how I remember it and felt at the time.)  Actually… I never really felt like I mattered at all, and even then the only time I got attention was when I was stealing, or getting in fights, being a little bitch to them, or getting expelled from school….  They were just so wrapped up in their lives… especially after the divorce.

So…. yeah.  In Colleenland, Negative attention = Love.  Super.  Now what!????

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